“Theme Park”

Some months back, Pistrina published an article that mentioned an INSANE internet “tweet” by one of MHT “Seminary’s” cerebrally-challenged drudges (“Scut the Prefect”), who tweeted, "One single 'una cum Mass' is more offensive to God than all abortions ever performed.”  The article then went on to catalogue some of the “counterfeit theology” that has arisen not only from Sanborn’s Floridian fool factory, but also from Dannie Dolan’s toxic waste site in West Chester.  It likened them all to “theme park Catholicism” (an apt description!).  The article then went on to describe an imaginary theme park (that it dubbed Traditionland), with several “attractions” (such as “Balderdash Mountain”) that hilariously but accurately depicted the kind of NONSENSE that permeates the SGG/Brooksville cabal. 

Of course, Pistrina could never cover all the nonsense (That would take several volumes!) – nor could we.  But we thought we’d take a stab at suggesting a few “enhancements” for the park.  We also thought it deserved a more “Disneyesque” name (like the theme park in Orlando, Florida), so we’ve decided to call it DannieWorld® -- “a magical place where every traddie’s dreams (but not reality) come true.”  Firstly, the park -- like its Disney counterpart -- deserves a grand entrance.  So, we thought that, instead of the manicured horticultural depiction of Mickey Mouse that graces Disneyworld’s entrance, it ought to have one of -- you guessed it -- Dannie!! -- complete with his trademark rodent-like grin (sort of a cross between Bill Clinton and Alfred E. Neumann), and adorned with a daffodil cape, scarlet pimpernel miter, and chrysanthemum crosier), nestled amongst topiaries of Tony and the rest of Dannie’s cartoon characters.

The actual park entrance, of course, must meet strict cult-center “standards.”  This means that all entering patrons are to be scanned for “appropriate attire” by the SGG school principal and his family, and frisked for any “contraband.”  Women and girls found in violation must switch their “scandalous” garb for granny dresses -- and men and boys, for bib overalls and long-sleeve flannel shirts.  “Inappropriate attire” and “contraband” include any non-Amish attire, as well as sports-logo jackets (and headbands), tattoos, body-piercings, and – of course – copies of Pistrina Liturgica and Lay Pulpit.  After being castigated (by the school principal) and paying a suitable fine, the  “cleansed” violators are then allowed to re-enter the park.

Once inside the park, patrons find themselves in SGG’s answer to Disney’s Main Street USA -- Drain Street USA -- where there are all sorts of artsy shops to vacuum the patron’s wallet before he gets a chance to see the rest of the park.  First, there’s Candles and Such®, featuring “five-day” candles (that last five minutes, or until the patron leaves, whichever comes first).  Next, there’s Books ’n Such®, a faithful recreation of SGG’s bookstore, where one can buy one’s favorites, including Tony’s landmark failure, The Validity of Ordination Conferred with One Hand -- and his other ode to the intestinal tract, that perennial box-office boat anchor, Work of Human Hands.  Plus, there’s his cringe-worthy assessment of Schiavo (winner of the Jack Kevorkian Prize for moral bankruptcy), and finally, his masterpiece of mendacity and misrepresentation, School Dazed – all available at newly inflated prices, and coming in leather-bound, in paperback, or in convenient Charmin four-roll packs.

As the train leaves Drain Street USA, it pulls into -- not TomorrowLand, but… YesterdayLand® -- a mythical, magical place where 1950’s traddie America comes alive -- not as it really was, but through the eyes of a dedicated psychopath. First, there’s -- no, it’s not an Islamic fashion show -- it’s… the SGG parish picnic! The men and boys, of course, are allowed to dress in normal attire (shorts, pullovers, etc.), and to play typical picnic games, while the womenfolk and girls, dressed in ankle-length frocks, are doing such “fun” things as preparing dinner, and tending to the little ones.  Tony is also there, ogling the kids with his “bonfire stories,” as they, situated in a circle around him, are eagerly snoring. And, of course, there’s Dannie himself, blessing the hotdogs, while his catered gourmet fare arrives by limousine at his private tent, located discreetly out of everyone’s sight.   

For other entertainment, there’s also the Sick-o-rama Cinema®, a larger-than-life SGG school computer screen playing X-rated flicks and animal-torture videos continuously – preferably to under-age children.  (Not to worry, though, because all are rated “boys will be boys” by Dannie.)  For the culinary-minded, there are, of course, restaurants available.  First, there’s the CopiousCabana, DannieWorld’s premier restaurant for gourmands (unfortunately, not open to the public, but only to Dannie and Tony).  This place is unique in that Lenten rules of fasting and abstinence are suspended there.  One can eat whatever meat he desires at this sit-down, all-you-can-gorge eatery, each of whose place settings features a conveniently placed feather and gagging spoon.  They, along with a discreetly adjacent Vomitorium®, make for an unforgettable dining experience for the discriminating epicurean degenerate.

Next to the Copious – and open to the general public – is the Grapes of Wrath®, a faithful representation of a depression-era soup kitchen, where patrons can sample everything from breaded fish sticks (with “mac and cheese” cooked to the consistency of school glue), to leftover “hors d’oeuvres” from last year’s SGG “lackey appreciation party” (held annually to reward “holy helpers” for their year-long slavery), with such treats as salami-and-cream-cheese roll-ups, and luncheon meat finger sandwiches.

The next magical land that one encounters is TradventureLand®, which contains a full-scale replica of SGG’s campus, where patrons board “cars” that transport them through a series of “features” that includes a church with a leaky roof (and a leaky bank account), raccoon-infested walls, and an unheated vestibule (complete with shivering patrons), plus a three-climate-zone rectory where Dannie and Tony stay warm and toasty, and a surrounding campus sporting several baby bunnies (some assembly required).

The biggest attraction in TradventureLand, though, is Pirates of the Cerebellum®, where patrons’ minds are gradually warped as they traverse through Sanborn Sandcastle, an imposing structure looming large out of a swamp (also known as Castillo El Moron, for a demented friar who incessantly tweets unintelligible invectives to passersby).  As they enter the castle, they first encounter Big Don, in an overhead pulpit, firing verbal volleys down on trembling traddies, as simulated fire-and-brimstone rain down from above.  Next, there’s a replica of a pirate ship, where the SGG school principal, dressed as Long John Silver, is flogging kids (and then having them “walk the plank”) for missing their homework, and where an incorrigible parishioner is being keel-hauled for attending an una cum Mass.  After that, patrons then encounter the Despository®, a kind of dungeon for the criminally insane, where that same demented friar is castigating prisoners who’ve committed such heinous crimes as wearing sports-logo headbands, or riding roller-coasters.

The next attraction is one that gauges how effectively Pirates of the Cerebellum has warped the patrons’ minds.  It’s called Gullible’s Travels®.  In this attraction, Dannie – on his way to some world-class resort destination to confirm a handful of candidates – is tearfully exhorting his Gerties to underwrite both his trip and his “high heating bills” (to see if they’re gullible enough to believe it).  The attraction is equipped with a patented Snicker Detector®, which – if it senses someone snickering at Dannie’s blarney (or showing any other detectable signs of cynicism or skepticism) -- diverts them back to Pirates for “re-programming.”

To round out TradventureLand, there is Dannie’s Little House of Horrors®, with his three cats -- Puccini, Vivaldi, and Caravaggio – gleefully dismembering baby bunnies, while Dannie looks on, busily taking detailed notes for his next Bishop’s Corner – and also nearby, the principal’s boys, drooling with fiendish delight, calling the “flay by flay.”  The action is not real, of course, but “virtual” (filmed on-location by those same boys).  This way, it conforms to SPCA “animal cruelty” standards, yet allows the boys to gratify the cravings of their baser instincts.

Lastly, there’s TomorrowLand, a vision of what the SGG/Brooksville cabal might look like in the future, if it remains on its present course: First, Big Don – after listening to too many of his hellfire-and–brimstone sermons, will finally go totally berserk -- and then, along with his crazed friar, spend the rest of his years in that dungeon for the criminally insane; second, Tony -- succumbing to all that BS that he’s been peddling for so many years, will become Barack Obama’s press secretary; third, the SGG school principal – after retiring as sadist emeritus at the school – will take over as chairman of the local chapter of the Hitler Youth; and lastly, Dannie – after staging so many pretentious pontifical processions – will finally realize his lifelong ambition: to be a float in the Rose Bowl Parade.

“But what about FantasyLand?” you may ask.  “Disney has its FantasyLand, so why not SGG?”  The answer is that there is no need for one, because SGG IS “fantasy land” -- especially if one expects to find real Catholicism there.  But, unfortunately, SGG is only “fantasy” in that respect.  It is not so much a “fantasy land” as it is a moral wasteland -- sadly real -- where hypocrisy and duplicity are the order of the day: where keeping Terri Schiavo alive is deemed “a grave burden on society,” yet watching porn is written off as “boys will be boys.”  It is a place where people are guilt-tripped into coming to Friday night Lenten services, while Dannie is away in sunny Mexico pigging out on “copious quantities of beef.”  In short, it is a place where Dannie and Tony do whatever they damn well please, while the Gerties are expected to “foot the bill” and to unquestionably “obey.”

And, actually, as for TomorrowLand, we should correct ourselves: there really isn’t any -- at least for SGG’s parishioners. The only “tomorrow” that they have to look forward to is more exploitation by the cult-masters -- and less money in their pockets. Naturally, the “tomorrow” that we’d like to see at SGG is one of a penitent Dannie and Tony mending their ways and stopping their exploitation – but that sounds more like FantasyLand.  The only “tomorrow” that Dannie wants is retirement in the desert Southwest.   And as for SGG’s parishioners, the only way that they can salvage their “tomorrow” is to vote with their pocketbooks and their feet: to STOP giving money to these parasites -- and LEAVE.  We hope, for both their material and spiritual welfare, that they do that – and soon.