Dannie’s Heir Apparent?

A recent Pistrina article raised some speculation about Daniel Dolan’s retirement and also about who his successor might be – and the article offers some good evidence to back up that speculation.  First off, both he and Tony are getting up there in years; and they are surely hankering to retire to sunny Santa Fe (or some other warm clime).  And, actually, it’s no secret that Dannie has been looking for a successor for quite some time.

As a matter of fact, Dannie had a candidate about a half-dozen years ago: a young German priest whom he had ordained (?) a few years prior to that.  But his young Teutonic protégé proved to be even more ambitious (and Machiavellian) than Dannie himself; and he bolted from SGG, taking many of Dannie's parishioners with him.  And then, with the help of Thomas Droleskey, he had himself made “bishop”(?).  The problem, though, is that this Neanderthal then double-crossed his new congregation, and left them high and dry (and short-changed).  It was just as well for Dannie, though, because this Teutonic teufel was a pretty clumsy piece of work, who had all the finesse and grace of a grunting four-legged truffle sniffer.

However, this meant that Dannie had to start his search for a successor all over again.  And what with the sad hatchlings coming out of Big Don’s freak factory, there wasn’t much to choose from.  The only pickings he had were a country bumpkin, a moronic Latino, and an uncharismatic Finn.  But then – voilà! – along came Stevie McNewbie!  And it seems that he is to be Dannie’s heir apparent.  Let’s look at the qualifications of these four, to see why this is so.

First, let’s examine the bumpkin, “Charlie” (aka “Lurch’).  Charlie’s unfortunate stint as Dannie’s guest columnist on Bishop’s Corner was downright painful (see article).  He and McNewbie had just returned from a European vacation that Dannie favored them with; and Charlie, in his Corner, was trying to impress his boss by aping Dannie’s style – but there was more “ape” to it than “style.”  It was, in a word, embarrassing.  It’s a wonder that Dannie didn’t make him write, “I must not embarrass my boss” -- a hundred times on a blackboard.

The poor bumpkin probably thought that he was “big stuff” now that Dannie had favored him with a trip to France.  Perhaps Charlie thought that this European trip meant that he was being considered as a candidate for Dannie’s Episcopal chair.  No, Lurch, it was only a consolation prize.  (And, after all, McNewbie got the same prize too.)  The only “chair” that Dannie might consider for Lurch – especially after his awful “Corner” performance – would be in the dunking booth at a small-town street carnival.  Dannie knows that Charlie has no savvy, so he wouldn’t dare hand the reins over to him.

The next potential candidate, “Skip” (the Latino), has the same “un-credentials” as Charlie – with the added dimension of language barrier.  His English is awful; and his accent is so thick, he can barely be understood by SGG’s parishioners.  He’s also woefully ignorant -- but, at the same time, woefully tyrannical.  (He likes to ape Big Don’s hellfire-and-brimstone style, and to scold people for their non-existent faults.)  And it was “Skip,” of course, who omitted the words of the consecration at Mass one day, then tried to blame it on the parishioners (which, naturally, went over with them like the proverbial lead balloon).  So, “Skip,” with his “accent barrier” and his pit-viper social skills, is not about to be considered by Dannie in any future SGG scheme as “leader.”

Then there’s the Finn.  Forget him, too: his accent is not so “challenging” as Skip’s, but it’s still not all that “fluid.”  He’s also a bit of an introvert, and socially “awkward.”  His charisma is – well – it’s really not there.  Suffice it to say that he’s just not “future SGG leader” material.  Collectively, then, the three candidates – Lurch, Skip, and the Finn -- have about as much chance of becoming SGG’s next Il Duce as Helen Keller does of negotiating her way through a mine field.

That leaves the McNewbie.  Unlike the other three, Stevie has some advantages:  He’s passably articulate (at least, more so than the other candidates), he has a fairly pleasant demeanor, and a pleasant enough appearance (albeit a bit pudgy).  But, regrettably, that’s where his assets end.  His “priestly formation,” as Pistrina noted, amounts to some “independent study” under Cekada and another priest; but he has never completed a formal seminary program – not even from Big Don’s MHT puppy mill in Florida. 

His theological knowledge base is poor; and this was made nowhere more apparent than when he tried to bluff his way through a recent interview on Restoration Radio, whose moderator, Steven Heiner, queried him about Aquinas’s Summa Theologica; whereupon the bungling amateur stuttered and stammered his way through the whole thing.  Heiner, to our amazement, has not pulled the embarrassing interview from his website.  [Restoration Radio, which bills itself as an impartial, independent traditional voice, turns out to be what we’ve suspected all along: just another propaganda arm of the Dolan-Cekada-Sanborn cult triumvirate.  One would think, then, that Heiner would “pull” the interview, for fear of it damaging Dannie, Tony, and Big Don.]

But perhaps he doesn’t think that McNewbie’s performance was all that bad that it had to be pulled – or, more probably, that SGG’s subterranean culties wouldn’t think it all that bad.  Just the fact that he was even discussing Aquinas’s Summa was probably “profound" enough for them.  And Dannie probably felt the same way, figuring that – no matter how badly Stevie bombed in that interview – the culties wouldn’t notice.  Besides, Dannie’s standards aren’t all that high anyway.  After all, if he could consider the bellowing Neanderthal as his heir apparent a few years back, he could stomach Little Stevie Blunder.  And, the other “besides” is, who else is there?  As bad as McBlunder was on that interview, his buddies Lurch and Skip would’ve fared far worse.  And the Finn would probably have fared badly too, because his knowledge level is just as rudimentary as McNewbie’s – and he doesn’t have the latter’s “gift for gab” going for him.  So, McNewbie is Dannie’s “best shot” for a successor. 

And, again, there’s no doubt that he is being groomed for the job (see Pistrina’s Monkey See, Monkey Do).  That article has links to a couple of sermons: one by Dannie, one by McCopycat.  They’re scarily similar: the cadence, the inflections, the phrasing – everything.  (Lurch tries to ape Dannie, too, but he falls pitifully short.)  McNewbie is definitely trying to copy Dannie’s style – but will copying his style be “enough”?  For one thing (as Pistrina noted), how will he and the erratic school principal get along?  More importantly, will McNewbie be able to get the culties to jump through hoops for him like Dannie now does?  Dannie somehow seems to “have a way” with them.  Will they do the same for Stevie?  You know what they say: “Better the Dannie you know,,,” 

One thing for sure, though: as far as “competency” is concerned, McNewbie will pass muster with the culties, for their ability to think critically is woefully deficient.  If they could accept Checkie’s crap about Schiavo (and the syrupy slop that Dannie regularly dishes out), we daresay they’ll overlook Stevie’s bungling performance in that interview.  One would hope for their sake, though, that Stevie would at least get himself conditionally re-ordained, for he was “made” by Doubtful Dan.  But he won’t, because he really doesn’t see the need: if the culties think he’s “for real,” then why bother?  Besides, like Dannie, he’s in it for the money too; he doesn’t really care if he’s “real” or not.

However, Stevie is not quite ready for prime time yet.  He needs to do more work on his “Dannie presentation” (more syrup and sanctimony); and his bungling is not quite on a par with Tony’s (but with a little more “finishing” in arrogance, ignorance, hypocrisy, and duplicity, he’ll get there).  After that bit of fine-tuning, he’ll do just fine.  Then, “Lord willin’ n’ the creek don’t rise,” Dannie and Tony can retire to the desert Southwest, and Stevie can take over as the cult center’s Error Apparent.