What to Do if You Have No Brains

In his Bishop’s Corner in SGG’s July 27, 2014 church bulletin, Dannie Dolan made the following not-so-subtle pitch for money from the parishioners:  “The first storm of July, which knocked out the electric for a while, did about $500 worth of damage to the organ. This would be another field in which someone 
could help.”  This is reminiscent of that plea that he had made for “heating bills” money while he was vacationing in Latin America this past winter.  What makes the plea for the “organ” money so fishy is that the organ damage was probably covered by insurance -- so why the “double-dipping” here, Dannie?  [Perhaps he’s got a big “apostolate” to Europe coming up this summer -- where he needs to "pig out" again on “copious quantities of beef,” as he did this past Lent in Latin America.]

But such a naked plea for money is nothing compared to what he and Cekada are doing on Tony’s Quidlibet rag.  In one of his most recent articles, What to Do If You Have No Mass, Tony starts off with the following “Una cum” nonsense: “It is a sin, however, to attend the Novus Ordo. It is also a sin, objectively speaking, to assist at an otherwise valid traditional Latin Mass that is offered in union with the modernist false ‘pope’ and his hierarchy.”  He follows that with: “The Church would never have permitted such assistance in the past. It is a lie, it is a sacrilege, and it is grievously offensive to Almighty God.”  [But you and Dannie are not the Church, Tony;  so, by whose authority do you “presume to pronounce” on that?]

After that solemn admonition, Tony then lists “Ten Tips from Bishop[?] Danel L. Dolan.”  The “tips” are about “what to do if you have no Mass”; and, of course, they include not only pleas to buy several books (and even DVDs) from Dolan & Co., but a direct appeal to “become a ‘virtual’ SGG parishioner” and “support us as you would your own parish” (along with a “donate” link to do so).  And what do you suppose you end up with after following these "ten tips” on “what to do if you have no Mass”?  Well, guess what, boys and girls?  You still have no Mass – but you do have a lighter wallet!

This is the ultimate “show,” the ultimate caricature of Catholicism – the perfect culmination of what Dolan and Cekada are all about: all appearances and no substance.  Since you’re not really at Mass, you derive precious little of its spiritual benefits (including Communion) -- but, as we said in our last article, Dannie “derives benefit.”   But why stop there, Dannie?  How about offering “cyber confession” (and have people “e-mail” their sins in to you)?  How about providing confession and absolution “apps’ for I-phones, where people could confess their sins by calling, say, a toll-free number (how about 1-800-CONFESS?).  You could paraphrase that old "infomercial" tagline: “confessors are standing by twenty-four hours a day to take your sins.”

Actually, how about having all the sacraments online?  After all, if Tony can convince people that praying for the "wrong pope” (una cum) invalidates the entire Mass (or that starving and dehydrating Terri Schiavo to death was “justified”), convincing them that them that “cyber sacraments” are valid is a short leap.  Here again, it could be done via I-phone apps, which could be given such catchy names as “Confirmation Nation” and “Extreme Unction Junction.”  And, oh yeah, how about cyber indulgences?  Indulgences for the poor souls could be earned perhaps not by visiting a graveyard, but by visiting a graveyard website.

The “cyber” audience could grow to such an extent that the real audience (those actually physically attending Mass) might become irrelevant, at least as far as revenue is concerned (especially since attendance is shrinking).  Just as professional sports revenues are primarily from “TV money” rather than gate receipts, the cult-center’s main cash cow could be the web: cyber Masses, cyber sacraments, cyber rosary processions – whatever!  Dannie and Tony could even sign a deal with a cable TV company to get their stuff put on its local cable channel; and if it got popular enough, they just might “go national.”

They might even “take their show on the road,” as they say, and do it “on location” from such “photo op” spots as the ShaNah Spa at the Bishop’s Lodge.  And, who knows?  Perhaps, one New Year’s Day, one might just turn on the boob tube and find Dannie, under a processional canopy -- resplendent in a daffodil-encrusted episcopal cape and candy-cane crosier -- as a float in the Rose Bowl Parade!**  He and Tony might even make so much from such promotional stunts that they could retire in Santa Fe (or some other Valhalla of their choice) and live off the royalties of reruns of “the show” – a fitting complement to the career of these two impresarios of the ultimate show, the ultimate “all appearances, no substance” caricature of Catholicism – and the ultimate opiate of the brain-dead in Cultlandia.

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**Rose Bowl floats are usually “themed”: hence, a fitting theme for Dannie’s float would be “There’s No Business Like Show Business.”  Or it could be a multi-themed float, perhaps entitled “Life at SGG”: on one end, Dannie in his daffodil digs, sporting his mousy, Liberace-like grin, waving to the crowd; at the other end, Tony, “presuming to pronounce” on the legitimacy of 1) one-handed ordinations, and 2) the dehydrating of Terri Schiavo; in between, SGG’s resident cats “frolicking about” (Puccini sneaking up on a soon-to-be-dismembered bunny, Vivaldi munching out on one, and Caravaggio emptying the SGG grotto pond of its contents); and all around, groveling gerties (in medieval garb) paying homage to Dannie and his court (one gertie kissing Dannie’s ring, another bidding him “bon voyage” on his next “apostolate,” another gasping -- wide-eyed and open-jawed -- at the bill for said apostolate, and yet another organizing a lynching party of some sort).