We live in
a “wired” age – or make that a wireless
age – and we depend on a lot of high-tech gadgets to get us through the day: personal
computers, smart phones, “tablets” (“I-pads, etc.), etc. – and "we" includes traddieland as well. For instance, we
noted in a recent article
that Dannie Dolan is already using the internet to beam “cyber Masses” to the
multitudes. His hopes are that it
will be a good “fund-raising” tool, for he prompts his web listeners to “hit
the donate button” on SGG’s web page at the appropriate time during the cyber
Mass. In that same article,
we also suggested some other
fund-raising ideas that Dannie might try.
Well, our
ideas must have struck a chord, for one of our listeners has written in to
suggest yet another idea:
do-it-yourself ordinations – possibly over the internet. We think this is a splendid idea! Dannie and Big Don wouldn’t have to
travel to the far-flung reaches of traddieland to do them; they could offer
them on-line; and, to take advantage of the pool of smart-phone users out there, they
could even offer an ordination “I-phone
app” – for a price, of course. And there
could be different kinds of
ordination “apps”: “one-handed ordination apps,” for instance.
The
one-handed ordination app, though, would have to include a “one-handed
ordination defense app” (available at
extra cost) – to convince the skeptical that one-handed ordinations are
“kosher.” This app is also known
as the “Phony Tony app” – or, as it’s more widely known, the “crap app.” This app can penetrate the skulls of
the brain-dead to convince them that -- in spite of what the Church’s official
teaching says -- it’s really “okay” to do it with one hand. (Dannie actually hopes, in time, to completely
waive the “two-hand” rule; that way, he can use his two hands to ordain two-at-a-time, thus “doubling output.”)
But, to
make the ordaining app really work in the cyber world, Dannie will have to
convince people to be remotely
ordained. This will require yet
another app – the “remote ordaining app” – which is actually a holographic adaptor for the I-phone’s
camera. When clicked on (in a
darkened, incense-filled room), this adaptor projects a 3-D image of Dannie’s
arms stretched over the ordinand’s head (or ordinands’
heads, if he’s using it with the two-at-a-time app).
Now, of
course, with these apps, there are “enhancements” that can be added to make the
cyber ceremony more “churchy” -- because the hologram can only cover so much
“scenery” (and in traddieland, as everyone knows, it’s “the show” that
counts). Depending on how
“pontifical” one wants his ceremony to be, there are different ecclesiastical
“enhancements” that can be added to spruce things up a bit: procession “props,” different kinds of incense – you name it. And to put the ceremony’s attendees in an even more
churchy mood, how about the Holier Than
Thou app? This downloads into
your I-phone such churchy phrases as “immaculate heart of Mary” and “may your
last week of [pick a month] be blessed,” and other such confectionary
platitudes often found in Dannie’s Bishop’s
Corner column and/or in his sweet-nothing newsletters.
What the Ordination app (and its related apps)
does is to enable substandard clerical
expertise to reach virtually every corner of traddieland. But why stop there? With a Consecration app, the mediocrity could be expanded to include the Episcopal level as well! No need to fly in a cult-master to do
your confirmations for you: do ’em yourself! And no need to have him do your holy oils for you – do ’em
yourself! As a Pistrina article
duly noted, having bishops everywhere
does away with all the muss and fuss associated with having to find a bishop
for one’s little corner of traddieland.
“But,” you
say, “what about all the ‘tenure’ requirements and other canonical requisites
(not to mention educational credentials)
for “making bishop”? No
problem! In today’s
shoot-from-the-hip traddie world, anything goes. Rules that bound (and still bind) the institutional Church
don’t apply here! For instance,
many “bishops” have had the “five year” tenure requirement waived: Schukardt made it from civilian to bishop in a matter of days! And one Neanderthal (now holed up in
Germany) “got done” just a year or two after his ordination. And who knows how many the now senile
bishop in Wisconsin is cranking out these days (and what their "qualifications" were)? And, remember, once a guy is “done,” he can do others: the bishop population could
multiply geometrically -- almost exponentially! And since there’s no one policing anyone in traddieland, the
need for accountability is happily eliminated! All one needs are the right digs, the right “apps” for his
I-phone, and a willing cult consecrator to get things going.
Of course,
all of this is – as were the "fund-raising ideas" in our last article – pure (and “tongue-in-cheek”)
supposition. The reader on whose
suggestion we have just expanded offered it in jest. But it does have a ring of practicality to it: it would
perhaps make the traddie world realize how unnecessary the already ridiculously
large proliferation of traddie bishops really is; and, in time, it might also
make them see how counterfeit some of their credentials are – especially those of “One-hand” Deacon Dan. And, as
the Pistrina article pointed out, it
would end the monopoly that such pompous, tinhorn cult-masters now have – and
break their stranglehold on the gullible.
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