ALL ABOUT THE LAY PULPIT

Saturday, August 9, 2014

New I-Phone Apps for Traddieland?


We live in a “wired” age – or make that a wireless age – and we depend on a lot of high-tech gadgets to get us through the day: personal computers, smart phones, “tablets” (“I-pads, etc.), etc. – and "we" includes traddieland as well.  For instance, we noted in a recent article that Dannie Dolan is already using the internet to beam “cyber Masses” to the multitudes.  His hopes are that it will be a good “fund-raising” tool, for he prompts his web listeners to “hit the donate button” on SGG’s web page at the appropriate time during the cyber Mass.  In that same article, we also suggested some other fund-raising ideas that Dannie might try.

Well, our ideas must have struck a chord, for one of our listeners has written in to suggest yet another idea: do-it-yourself ordinations – possibly over the internet.  We think this is a splendid idea!  Dannie and Big Don wouldn’t have to travel to the far-flung reaches of traddieland to do them; they could offer them on-line; and, to take advantage of the pool of smart-phone users out there, they could even offer an ordination “I-phone app” – for a price, of course.  And there could be different kinds of ordination “apps”: “one-handed ordination apps,” for instance.

The one-handed ordination app, though, would have to include a “one-handed ordination defense app” (available at extra cost) – to convince the skeptical that one-handed ordinations are “kosher.”  This app is also known as the “Phony Tony app” – or, as it’s more widely known, the “crap app.”  This app can penetrate the skulls of the brain-dead to convince them that -- in spite of what the Church’s official teaching says -- it’s really “okay” to do it with one hand.  (Dannie actually hopes, in time, to completely waive the “two-hand” rule; that way, he can use his two hands to ordain two-at-a-time, thus “doubling output.”)

But, to make the ordaining app really work in the cyber world, Dannie will have to convince people to be remotely ordained.  This will require yet another app – the “remote ordaining app” – which is actually a holographic adaptor for the I-phone’s camera.  When clicked on (in a darkened, incense-filled room), this adaptor projects a 3-D image of Dannie’s arms stretched over the ordinand’s head (or ordinands’ heads, if he’s using it with the two-at-a-time app).

Now, of course, with these apps, there are “enhancements” that can be added to make the cyber ceremony more “churchy” -- because the hologram can only cover so much “scenery” (and in traddieland, as everyone knows, it’s “the show” that counts).  Depending on how “pontifical” one wants his ceremony to be, there are different ecclesiastical “enhancements” that can be added to spruce things up a bit: procession “props,” different kinds of incense – you name it.  And to put the ceremony’s attendees in an even more churchy mood, how about the Holier Than Thou app?  This downloads into your I-phone such churchy phrases as “immaculate heart of Mary” and “may your last week of [pick a month] be blessed,” and other such confectionary platitudes often found in Dannie’s Bishop’s Corner column and/or in his sweet-nothing newsletters.

What the Ordination app (and its related apps) does is to enable substandard clerical expertise to reach virtually every corner of traddieland.  But why stop there?  With a Consecration app, the mediocrity could be expanded to include the Episcopal level as well!  No need to fly in a cult-master to do your confirmations for you: do ’em yourself!  And no need to have him do your holy oils for you – do ’em yourself!  As a Pistrina article duly noted, having bishops everywhere does away with all the muss and fuss associated with having to find a bishop for one’s little corner of traddieland.

“But,” you say, “what about all the ‘tenure’ requirements and other canonical requisites (not to mention educational credentials) for “making bishop”?  No problem!  In today’s shoot-from-the-hip traddie world, anything goes.  Rules that bound (and still bind) the institutional Church don’t apply here!  For instance, many “bishops” have had the “five year” tenure requirement waived: Schukardt made it from civilian to bishop in a matter of days!  And one Neanderthal (now holed up in Germany) “got done” just a year or two after his ordination.  And who knows how many the now senile bishop in Wisconsin is cranking out these days (and what their "qualifications" were)?  And, remember, once a guy is “done,” he can do others: the bishop population could multiply geometrically -- almost exponentially!  And since there’s no one policing anyone in traddieland, the need for accountability is happily eliminated!  All one needs are the right digs, the right “apps” for his I-phone, and a willing cult consecrator to get things going.

Of course, all of this is – as were the "fund-raising ideas" in our last article – pure (and “tongue-in-cheek”) supposition.  The reader on whose suggestion we have just expanded offered it in jest.  But it does have a ring of practicality to it: it would perhaps make the traddie world realize how unnecessary the already ridiculously large proliferation of traddie bishops really is; and, in time, it might also make them see how counterfeit some of their credentials are – especially those of “One-hand” Deacon Dan.  And, as the Pistrina article pointed out, it would end the monopoly that such pompous, tinhorn cult-masters now have – and break their stranglehold on the gullible.  Let us hope so, so then traddieland might finally become Catholic.

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