The Right “Atmosphere”

The Human Events story alluded to in Lay Pulpit’s last article stated that there are misconceptions about “radical Islam” vs. “moderate Islam” – that there is no such thing as “moderate” Islam, but only Islam.  Human Events also quoted some of the same Koran passages that the YouTube video in our last article used to prove its point.  This is certainly true:  Islam is, to repeat, NOT moderate, but militant – malevolently militant – both in the Koran’s written word and in the actions of Islam’s followers (as recent events in the news have borne out).

To be sure, however, there are Moslems who are virtuous, well-meaning people.  And, if these people are confronted (but not “affronted”) with the facts concerning Islam, they might, in the right “atmosphere,” come to realize that charitable behavior is a Christian, not Islamic, concept -- especially if they compare the words of their Koran with those of Our Lord's Gospel.  They might come to realize that  it is Christianity that has “set the tone” (to borrow Belloc’s phrase) for truly charitable and moral behavior, not Islam.  For instance, many Moslems – especially educated ones -- are monogamous.  In practice, they do not believe in beating their wives, in prostitution, or in many of the evils that the Koran authorizes but Christianity forbids.  Many of them are already “functionally Christian” in their thinking.  It should be only a matter of time (and prayer, and persuasion) when such Moslems become Christian in fact. 

 

Yes, it should be -- but will they?  Convincing well-meaning Moslems that Christianity is the one true system of belief -- and to expect them to “come around” -- is easier said than done.  Getting “rational” Moslems to concede to Christian principles is one thing -- but convincing them to give up the religion that they’ve been steeped in "from the cradle" is quite another.    Besides, they might counter that the irrational passages cited in our last article's video were “cherry-picked” and/or “taken out of context,” and that the Koran has just as many “just and rational” passages that echo many of our own beliefs.  And then there’s the question of “atmosphere,” i.e., can an atmosphere of mutual trust, tolerance, and understanding be created to permit such discussion and “dialoguing” (and, hopefully, “progress”) to take place?  That is an elusive goal.

And the reason that it is elusive has to do with something at which we hinted in our last article: our liberal media.  What they report – and, more importantly, how they report it – tends to create an inflammatory, not tranquil – atmosphere.  Nowadays, we seldom get the truth anymore through “official channels” – as another Human Events story illustrates most clearly: we were told by our news media that the black “unarmed teenager” (Michael Brown) recently shot by police in Ferguson, Missouri was “shot in the back while  surrendering.”  The real facts dispute just about everything the mainstream media reported.  Here is an excerpt from what the Human Events article had to say:

When ideology trumps the facts, ideology has a way of escalating its disconnect.  The original narrative out of Ferguson was that a racist cop gunned down an innocent and inoffensive “teenager” for no reason, shooting him in the back while he was trying to surrender.  (They never got around to explaining why someone would turn his back to the police officer while surrendering, but it was part of the mythology.)  As each part of that narrative has been peeled away, agitators have suddenly started claiming it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter that Brown was huge and intimidating, not a little “teenager.”  It doesn’t matter that the officer was injured.  It doesn’t matter that the police officer is a six-year veteran with a clean record.  It doesn’t matter that Brown roughed up a store clerk and stole cigars from a liquor store.  It doesn’t matter that the primary hostile witness was revealed to be a liar and accomplice to the robbery.  It doesn’t matter that Brown wasn’t shot in the back.  It doesn’t matter that he had marijuana in his system…*

Was the media’s reporting here an “accidental,” isolated case of “bad reporting” in which “they just happened to get it wrong”?  NO!!  It was a deliberate, orchestrated attempt to misrepresent and deceive, on the part of people who knew exactly what they were doing.  And the same “misrepresentations” (i.e., lies) told about Ferguson, Missouri are repeated to us EVERY day, by ALL of our major media, on ALL fronts.  If we are to make any sense out of anything, those foregoing words in bold-face type need to be understood and accepted implicitly.  The old joke, “How can you tell when a politician is lying?” (Answer: “When his lips are moving”) applies here.  So, to reemphasize, we are being lied to, EVERY day, by ALL of our major media, on ALL fronts.  We earlier stated that we seldom get the truth anymore through “official channels.”  “Seldom” is not the right word; “never” is a better one.

We also earlier stated, “Islam is, in and of itself, NOT moderate, but militant – malevolently militant – both in the Koran’s written word and in the actions of Islam’s followers (as recent events in the news have proven).”  But that brings up another point to be considered (and why the last sentence’s words “in the news” were put in italics); those “recent events” were reported by the mainstream news media – and are therefore – for the reasons we have just been giving -- highly suspect.  Yes, these events most certainly did occur – but why all the sudden reporting of them recently?  There has been a plethora of “extremist Islamic” activity reported of late – and that should worry us.  The practical result of this reporting has been to inflame our emotions of hatred (against Moslems), just as the emotions of blacks in Ferguson were inflamed (against a white police officer). 

And to repeat and reinforce once more, all of this is an orchestrated thing.  The media are doing a great job of “keeping the pot boiling” in both cases – of maximizing misunderstanding and chaos – and of creating an atmosphere of dysfunction, confrontation. fear, and mutual distrust.  They are doing their best to polarize people and to inflame emotions on both sides – and we are all too aware of what happens when “emotions” take over.  They are distorting everything – and, again, this is no accident.**  The result is an atmosphere where cooperation and “progress” are almost impossible to achieve – at least in human terms.  And that is one of the many reasons why converting Moslems (or even “dialoging” with them) is so difficult – and “easier said than done.” 

In an atmosphere of mutual distrust, sitting down and “having a rational discussion” is not about to happen.  Yes, as we said, there are “rational” Moslems, but many are NOT of that mindset.  Many of the “rank and file” Moslems are very similar to the “Gerties” of SGG: they’re narrow-minded, gullible, and blindly obedient.  (Islam is simplistic and “cultish” to begin with, and appeals mainly to the “less cerebral” set, who are easily swayed, not by “theoretical inconsistencies,” but by “mob demagoguery."  Put another way, "how does one negotiate with a suicide bomber?")  And even for Islamic “moderates,” how is that kind of “atmosphere” possible, humanly speaking, in today’s “media climate”?  Creating that atmosphere is theoretically possible – but it’s a tall order.  To repeat, the media poison just about everything that we see and hear – and the media are firmly in control. 

That being said, we can’t, however, just “give up” and do nothing in the face of things.   The “good news” is that the Koran is “an easy target,” and that its tenets are easy to shoot down: they are self-contradictory, self-deprecating, and easily disprovable – and the Koran is full of them.  It also must be remembered that a system of belief, to have any validity, must be philosophically sound; and its tenets, like math or science theorems, must hold up to logical scrutiny – and Islam’s don’t.  Any system that contradicts itself cannot abide.  As Our Lord Himself put it, “A house divided against itself cannot stand” – and Islam is such a “house.”  So, bringing it down can be done -- but it won’t be easy.  As we inferred earlier, logic doesn’t work very well on a mob – plus, there is a well-orchestrated campaign of misinformation and manipulation going on to keep all sides in a state of max confusion, consternation, and conflict – a pretty grim scenario.  Nonetheless, we must “do our part” to combat Islam, regardless of what that “scenario” might be.

It is deplorable that neither the “establishment” Church nor traddieland’s self-serving hucksters are doing their part, and that others must sound the alarm (such as lay forums like this one, and – increasingly -- Protestants).  Ironically, it is they – Protestants -- who are taking the lead in this – as well as in other things (such as, speaking out against Evolution).  To repeat what was said in our last article, we need good men, i.e., good priests, to take Catholicism’s part of that “lead.”  And our part, the laity’s?  Besides supporting good priests in their efforts, we need to withdraw our support from bad priests – from self-serving parasites who drain our wallets to feather their own nests.  Are you listening, Gerties?

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*Contrast this coverage of that black youth shot by a white cop with the non-coverage given to a white youth shot by a black cop (click here for details).

**Actually, they have been doing it for generations: fomenting class and/or ethnic divisiveness, politico-economic and religious discord, “gender” struggles (feminism, “gay rights,” etc.) – not to mention, “environmental” and “climate” “issues.”  It is an attack on all fronts – a “divide and conquer” strategy that targets all mankind.  And who are the “they” who are doing this?  The ultimate “orchestrator” behind all of this is, of course, the devil – but his “instruments” in this are human: “they” are those same Zionists who control our media -- and they label (and “shout down”) as “anti-Semitic” anyone who speaks out against them.  

The irony is that most Zionists, i.e., Jews, are not Semitic but Asiatic – from a place in south-central Asia called Khazaria (that occupied parts of what are now Ukraine and Asiatic Russia) – and are referred to as “Khazars” or “Ashkenazi” Jews.  Actually, there are probably very few Semitic Jews left today.  Not only that: there is, in fact, no specific “genetic marker” that exists today for “Jews.”  Another irony: many of today’s Arabs are of Semitic blood; so, to call them “anti-Semitic” is a bit of a “contradiction,” to say the least.

Additionally, it must be noted that “Israel” is a secular – not religious -- state, and that very few “Israelis” are “practicing Jews” (in the religious sense).  Most are “non-religious” in nature and are “Jews” in the political or “ethnic” sense only.  Many, in fact, are openly atheistic – opposed to any creed.  And those who are religious (including many orthodox Jews) often reject the Zionist agenda, because they see it as a worldly one, not a spiritual one.  The Zionists’ “kingdom,” like that of the Pharisees of old, “is of this world.”

The Zionists have stated several times – in no uncertain terms – that their ultimate “agenda” is not just one of “establishing a homeland” for themselves, but of “getting a much larger piece of the pie” (in fact, the “whole pie,” if you get our drift).  Their first “piece” of that pie, Israel, was formed in 1947 (with U.S. and British sanction and collaboration), at the expense of the Palestinians who lived there -- and who were dispossessed of that land to make way for them.  [It is no wonder, then, why the Palestinians feel the way they do.  I wonder what we’d do if someone came in and kicked us out of our homes, and then gave America back to the Indians.  I think that we’d feel the same way!]  And ever since, there has never been peace in that part of the world -- and the Mideast has become the constant, never-ending quagmire of strife and discord that it is today.

Islam – And What We Must Do About It

A recent article in Human Events has pointed out some misconceptions about “radical Islam” vs. “moderate Islam” – that there is no such thing as “moderate” Islam, but only Islam.  Islam is, in and of itself, NOT moderate, but militant – malevolently militant.  One only has to look at the Koran itself to see this -- and another recent report (not an article, but a YouTube video) has done just that.  The video excerpts several quotations from Suras (chapters) and verses of the Koran.  We have listed them below for the reader's perusal, as follows: the Sura and chapter numbers (written in bold as two numbers, separated by a colon, eg., “2:191”), followed by the passage itself (in italics), and – when appropriate – some parenthetical explanation as to what the passage means (or refers to).  Here are some of those excerpts:

2:191: And fight the infidels, wherever you find them; and expel them from the place they have turned you out from. 2:193: Fight them until idolatry comes to an end, and the law of Allah prevails.  4:24:  Also forbidden are married women, unless they are captives of war: such is the decree of Allah.  (What they’re talking about here is who a man can or cannot have sex with; so what they’re doing is ratifying the rape of women captured in a jihad.)  4:24: They give those of these women you have enjoyed the agreed dower.  It will not be faithful if you have agreed to something else by mutual consent, after having settled the dowry.  Allah is certainly all-knowing and all wise.  (What this verse is doing is ratifying prostitution; if a man pays a woman a “dower” or dowry, i.e., a certain quantity of money, he can have sex with her without obligation.) 4:34 (This is talking to a man, one of whose many wives will not have sex with him willingly):  As for women who you feel are averse, talk to them persuasively, then leave them alone in bed without molesting them, then beat them, then go to bed with them when they are willing.  (This ratifies beating your wife if she won’t have sex with you.)  5:33:  The punishment for those who wage war against Allah and his prophet [Mohammed] is to kill or crucify them, and have a hand on one side and a foot on the other cut off.  8:12:  And Allah said to the angel, ‘I am with you; go and strengthen the faithful.  I shall fill the hearts of the infidels with terror, so smite them on their necks and incapacitate them. (i.e., a  call to behead all infidels)  9:29: Fight those among the People of the Book [i.e., Christians] who do not believe in Allah nor the Last Day, nor forbid what Allah and His Messenger have forbidden, nor embrace the religion of truth [i.e., Islam], until they pay the jizya [tribute] with willing submission and feel themselves subdued.  9:80:  Whether you plead forgiveness for them or not, Allah will not forgive them, even though you plead seventy times, for they disbelieve in Allah and his apostle; and Allah does not show transgressors the way. (A loving, forgiving God?)  13:42:  Sure those who have gone before them did deceive, but Allah is all deceiving, for he has knowledge of what each does. (This is calling God a deceiver and liar, which, of course, implies that Allah’s true identity is Satan.)  23:1:  The true believers will be successful who are humble in their service who shun all frivolities, who strive for betterment, who guard their sex except from their wives and their women slaves of old [This ratifies concubines].  52:24 (regarding man-boy sex):  And young boys, like pearls within their shells, will go around; and 56:17:  Boys of never-ending bloom [pubescence] will pass around them cups and decanters; and then 76:19:  And boys of everlasting youth will go about attending them.  Looking at them, you would think that they were pearls dispersed.   (This is an allusion to the Islamic sponsorship of pedophilia, and of looking on young boys as sex objects.  Most boys in Islamic cultures do not escape childhood without being anally and orally raped, according to speaker.)  55:4: As for your women who have lost hope of menstruation and in case you have doubts, the prescribed period of waiting for them is three months, as also for those who are not menstruating yet. (What this is doing is ratifying the violation of pre-pubescent girls, i.e., pre-puberty girls.)

Allah, then, as is evident from those excerpts (which are just a sampling), is a vengeful, deceiving “God” who justifies (and indeed prescribes) the rape and beating of women, sex with minors, prostitution, wanton slaughter (usually by beheading) of “infidels” (including women and children), and even pedophilia.  Is this the kind of God that IS God?  NO.  The speaker in the video contends that “Allah” is actually Satan; and she is probably right -- for NO God would condone such things and still BE God. 

Islam, both in word and in practice, is EVIL.  The modern, media-orchestrated notion of Islam as “tolerant” is a total MYTH.  Islam never was tolerant – and never will be.  The irony of it all is that these media that portray the Moslems as “tolerant” are, by and large, Zionist controlled – and the Zionists and Moslem Arabs are portrayed as archenemies.  But the truth is, this is only cosmetic: they’re both “on the same team.”  They’re both belligerently vindictive; they’re both not about forgiveness, but about “eye-for-an-eye” retaliation, retribution -- about vengeance; and they’re both out to destroy Christianity, except that the Moslems do it with “swords” (and very clumsily) -- while the Zionists do it with “cash registers” and “Hollywood”  (but much more subtly).

The notion of Moslem “benevolence” is quickly dispelled when sees what they really practice: women are genitally mutilated with the express purpose of maximizing the man’s sexual pleasure -- and the woman’s pain and suffering.  A man can be unfaithful, can fornicate at will, can have limitless “wives,” and can divorce a woman on any pretext – with total impunity.  Yet when a woman does the same, she is beheaded or stoned to death.  A man can wear as much (or as little) as he wants; but a woman, to be a “true” Moslem, must be covered from head to toe -- with a mask over her face.  Young, pre-puberty Moslem girls are routinely “sold” to seedy, middle-aged men as “wives” (that is, to be sex slaves for middle-aged pedophilic perverts).  Indeed, the selling of young girls as sex slaves is big business throughout the Islamic world – an embarrassing, damning reality.

Our media have routinely claimed that in the past, the Moslems came as benevolent, tolerant conquerors, and that Christian conquerors were, in contrast, butchers -- when in fact the opposite was true.  When Moslems conquered Christian lands, they wantonly butchered the “infidels” (as the Koran and “Allah” commanded); and the women were wantonly raped and/or sold as slaves into harems – practices that routinely go on to this day: just recently, reports of whole villages – including women and children -- being slaughtered by Islamic militants (usually by beheading) have been confirmed by independent sources.  And the selling of young girls as sex slaves has already been noted -- a widely recognized (and accepted) practice in Moslem countries throughout the world. 

It is interesting to note, too, what the Islamic notion of Heaven is: in the Koran’s own words, it is a “garden of earthly delights” – a sensual Valhalla where each man is attended to (and sexually satisfied) by “a hundred virgins.”  “Heaven,” then, is little more than an eternal sex orgy, where men are in a never-ending state of hormonal ecstasy – while women are servile non-entities, whose only function there is to provide that ecstasy. Wow!  Any woman who subscribes to that sort of nonsense must be either an IDIOT or (literally) a damned fool  -- and so must any man: to believe that something as accidental as one’s gender rewards the one with eternal bliss while condemning the other to nameless, mindless servitude), is a  notion that is utterly absurd to any rational being.

It is also interesting to note that in the aforementioned YouTube video about Islam, the speaker was a woman – and probably not Catholic at that.  (Actually, she appeared in two videos: the first video dealt with her reply to comments made by U.S. Senator Lindsay Graham (R, South Carolina) on a nationally televised show (Face the Nation), where he proposed restricting Americans from burning the Koran (but said nothing, of course, about Moslems burning our flag and our Bible).  Both videos are excellent, and the woman is very articulate – and brave.  To the tinhorn potentates of Traddieland (such as Daniel Dolan and Anthony Cekada), she probably comes across as a “whining woman” – probably with a “feminist agenda.”  And, being the puritanical prudes that they (and their cultlings) are, they probably “ding” her as well for her “language” (she calls Allah a “sonofabitch” several times during the video, and she uses some “anatomical” metaphors).

But what this woman has is something that Dannie and Tony don’t have: courage and integrity.  She is saying something that should have been said by these two tinhorns a long time ago.  Like the Samaritan in Christ’s parable, she – most probably a protestant, is the good “neighbor” – the true Christian – who deals with issues that really count, while these pharisaic cowards sit on their hands and proselytize about “una cum” and the rest of their letter-of-the-law nonsense.  It is really deplorable for them that it took this “latter-day Samaritan” to “show them the way.”  While they, the “Neros” of traddieland, were “fiddling while Rome was burning,” she was the one “putting out the fire.” She, the “Samaritan,” is more Catholic than they are.

But that’s what the cult-masters are all about: appearances, not reality; protecting turf, not rights; expediency, not truth; and money, not principles.  Just this past week (in his Bishop’s Corner), Dannie once again made the pitch for each cultie family to cough up $20 a month (over and above their usual Sunday donation) for “cost saving arches for the cloister.”  How about “NO arches for the cloister”?  (It already has arches, Dannie!  Why the need for more -- are the old ones crumbling, like the roof is?)

The “religion” of Islam is one of HATE, not love.  Our Lord told Mary Magdalene to “go and sin no more.”  The Moslems would have her stoned to death.  Christianity bids us to forgive our enemies; Islam bids its followers to slay them. Their god “is all deceiving, for he has knowledge of what each does.”  Our God “can neither deceive nor be deceived.”  Our religion protects and dignifies women; theirs treats them as barely tolerated play-things – to be raped and beaten at will, or exploited as prostitutes.  Our heaven is the Beatific Vision; theirs is an endless, sordid male wet dream.  Christianity is the ONLY system of belief that is rational, that makes sense (both philosophically and morally -- that is theologically legitimate.

That being said, there are, to be sure, Moslems out there who are virtuous, well-meaning folks, who ignore the Koran’s more irrational (and hateful) passages.  What they need to do, however, is to not ignore them, but to look at the real evidence of what Islam really says, and then to REJECT it – because its tenets are not only wrong, they are disgusting.  Islam indicts itself with its own words.  But we Catholics must be the ones educating them -- because it won’t happen by itself.  And we must do it not by “the sword” (i.e., narrow-minded, rancorous confrontation and effrontery) -- nor can we win them over by “Franken-pope” accommodation (the “We all worship the same God” approach).  Appeasement and “watering down” one’s beliefs  (or kowtowing to the ignorant) never work.

Instead, we must do it by charitable but direct, rational persuasion – and by Christ-like example.  The “tinhorns of traddieland” need to do this as well – but they won’t. They should be concerning themselves with issues that really count – with the Church’s enemies without – such as Islam (as this woman in the video has done) -- instead of pursuing their own vainglorious goals.  But they won’t – because they are part of the enemy within.  They’re too preoccupied with feeding their flock such heady fodder as, “una cum is a no-no” – and in realizing their own “champagne wished and caviar dreams.”

As Catholics, we must take comfort in Our Lord’s promise that He will be with us “all days, even unto the consummation of the world” and that He will “put enmities between thee [Satan] and the woman [Mary], and thy seed and her seed: she shall crush thy head, and thou shalt lie in wait for her heel.”  These indeed are consoling words: Islam, as well as all other false creeds, will ultimately fall; and Christ’s Church will triumph.  But how will it play out?  To be sure, it won’t “happen” by itself – or overnight.  And it’s also true that today’s inertial, “live and let live” détente won’t do the job either.  That is a “car stuck in neutral.”  That car must go somewhere -- and have a “driver” (or make that the plural: drivers).  But they must be good “drivers” (i.e., priests): selfless men who will “take us to the right destination” – not mammon-craving hucksters who will just “take us for a ride.”  Again, how it will “play out,” only God knows -- but a start must be made.

What to Do if You Have No Brains

In his Bishop’s Corner in SGG’s July 27, 2014 church bulletin, Dannie Dolan made the following not-so-subtle pitch for money from the parishioners:  “The first storm of July, which knocked out the electric for a while, did about $500 worth of damage to the organ. This would be another field in which someone 
could help.”  This is reminiscent of that plea that he had made for “heating bills” money while he was vacationing in Latin America this past winter.  What makes the plea for the “organ” money so fishy is that the organ damage was probably covered by insurance -- so why the “double-dipping” here, Dannie?  [Perhaps he’s got a big “apostolate” to Europe coming up this summer -- where he needs to "pig out" again on “copious quantities of beef,” as he did this past Lent in Latin America.]

But such a naked plea for money is nothing compared to what he and Cekada are doing on Tony’s Quidlibet rag.  In one of his most recent articles, What to Do If You Have No Mass, Tony starts off with the following “Una cum” nonsense: “It is a sin, however, to attend the Novus Ordo. It is also a sin, objectively speaking, to assist at an otherwise valid traditional Latin Mass that is offered in union with the modernist false ‘pope’ and his hierarchy.”  He follows that with: “The Church would never have permitted such assistance in the past. It is a lie, it is a sacrilege, and it is grievously offensive to Almighty God.”  [But you and Dannie are not the Church, Tony;  so, by whose authority do you “presume to pronounce” on that?]

After that solemn admonition, Tony then lists “Ten Tips from Bishop[?] Danel L. Dolan.”  The “tips” are about “what to do if you have no Mass”; and, of course, they include not only pleas to buy several books (and even DVDs) from Dolan & Co., but a direct appeal to “become a ‘virtual’ SGG parishioner” and “support us as you would your own parish” (along with a “donate” link to do so).  And what do you suppose you end up with after following these "ten tips” on “what to do if you have no Mass”?  Well, guess what, boys and girls?  You still have no Mass – but you do have a lighter wallet!

This is the ultimate “show,” the ultimate caricature of Catholicism – the perfect culmination of what Dolan and Cekada are all about: all appearances and no substance.  Since you’re not really at Mass, you derive precious little of its spiritual benefits (including Communion) -- but, as we said in our last article, Dannie “derives benefit.”   But why stop there, Dannie?  How about offering “cyber confession” (and have people “e-mail” their sins in to you)?  How about providing confession and absolution “apps’ for I-phones, where people could confess their sins by calling, say, a toll-free number (how about 1-800-CONFESS?).  You could paraphrase that old "infomercial" tagline: “confessors are standing by twenty-four hours a day to take your sins.”

Actually, how about having all the sacraments online?  After all, if Tony can convince people that praying for the "wrong pope” (una cum) invalidates the entire Mass (or that starving and dehydrating Terri Schiavo to death was “justified”), convincing them that them that “cyber sacraments” are valid is a short leap.  Here again, it could be done via I-phone apps, which could be given such catchy names as “Confirmation Nation” and “Extreme Unction Junction.”  And, oh yeah, how about cyber indulgences?  Indulgences for the poor souls could be earned perhaps not by visiting a graveyard, but by visiting a graveyard website.

The “cyber” audience could grow to such an extent that the real audience (those actually physically attending Mass) might become irrelevant, at least as far as revenue is concerned (especially since attendance is shrinking).  Just as professional sports revenues are primarily from “TV money” rather than gate receipts, the cult-center’s main cash cow could be the web: cyber Masses, cyber sacraments, cyber rosary processions – whatever!  Dannie and Tony could even sign a deal with a cable TV company to get their stuff put on its local cable channel; and if it got popular enough, they just might “go national.”

They might even “take their show on the road,” as they say, and do it “on location” from such “photo op” spots as the ShaNah Spa at the Bishop’s Lodge.  And, who knows?  Perhaps, one New Year’s Day, one might just turn on the boob tube and find Dannie, under a processional canopy -- resplendent in a daffodil-encrusted episcopal cape and candy-cane crosier -- as a float in the Rose Bowl Parade!**  He and Tony might even make so much from such promotional stunts that they could retire in Santa Fe (or some other Valhalla of their choice) and live off the royalties of reruns of “the show” – a fitting complement to the career of these two impresarios of the ultimate show, the ultimate “all appearances, no substance” caricature of Catholicism – and the ultimate opiate of the brain-dead in Cultlandia.

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**Rose Bowl floats are usually “themed”: hence, a fitting theme for Dannie’s float would be “There’s No Business Like Show Business.”  Or it could be a multi-themed float, perhaps entitled “Life at SGG”: on one end, Dannie in his daffodil digs, sporting his mousy, Liberace-like grin, waving to the crowd; at the other end, Tony, “presuming to pronounce” on the legitimacy of 1) one-handed ordinations, and 2) the dehydrating of Terri Schiavo; in between, SGG’s resident cats “frolicking about” (Puccini sneaking up on a soon-to-be-dismembered bunny, Vivaldi munching out on one, and Caravaggio emptying the SGG grotto pond of its contents); and all around, groveling gerties (in medieval garb) paying homage to Dannie and his court (one gertie kissing Dannie’s ring, another bidding him “bon voyage” on his next “apostolate,” another gasping -- wide-eyed and open-jawed -- at the bill for said apostolate, and yet another organizing a lynching party of some sort). 

New I-Phone Apps for Traddieland?

We live in a “wired” age – or make that a wireless age – and we depend on a lot of high-tech gadgets to get us through the day: personal computers, smart phones, “tablets” (“I-pads, etc.), etc. – and "we" includes traddieland as well.  For instance, we noted in a recent article that Dannie Dolan is already using the internet to beam “cyber Masses” to the multitudes.  His hopes are that it will be a good “fund-raising” tool, for he prompts his web listeners to “hit the donate button” on SGG’s web page at the appropriate time during the cyber Mass.  In that same article, we also suggested some other fund-raising ideas that Dannie might try.

Well, our ideas must have struck a chord, for one of our listeners has written in to suggest yet another idea: do-it-yourself ordinations – possibly over the internet.  We think this is a splendid idea!  Dannie and Big Don wouldn’t have to travel to the far-flung reaches of traddieland to do them; they could offer them on-line; and, to take advantage of the pool of smart-phone users out there, they could even offer an ordination “I-phone app” – for a price, of course.  And there could be different kinds of ordination “apps”: “one-handed ordination apps,” for instance.

The one-handed ordination app, though, would have to include a “one-handed ordination defense app” (available at extra cost) – to convince the skeptical that one-handed ordinations are “kosher.”  This app is also known as the “Phony Tony app” – or, as it’s more widely known, the “crap app.”  This app can penetrate the skulls of the brain-dead to convince them that -- in spite of what the Church’s official teaching says -- it’s really “okay” to do it with one hand.  (Dannie actually hopes, in time, to completely waive the “two-hand” rule; that way, he can use his two hands to ordain two-at-a-time, thus “doubling output.”)

But, to make the ordaining app really work in the cyber world, Dannie will have to convince people to be remotely ordained.  This will require yet another app – the “remote ordaining app” – which is actually a holographic adaptor for the I-phone’s camera.  When clicked on (in a darkened, incense-filled room), this adaptor projects a 3-D image of Dannie’s arms stretched over the ordinand’s head (or ordinands’ heads, if he’s using it with the two-at-a-time app).

Now, of course, with these apps, there are “enhancements” that can be added to make the cyber ceremony more “churchy” -- because the hologram can only cover so much “scenery” (and in traddieland, as everyone knows, it’s “the show” that counts).  Depending on how “pontifical” one wants his ceremony to be, there are different ecclesiastical “enhancements” that can be added to spruce things up a bit: procession “props,” different kinds of incense – you name it.  And to put the ceremony’s attendees in an even more churchy mood, how about the Holier Than Thou app?  This downloads into your I-phone such churchy phrases as “immaculate heart of Mary” and “may your last week of [pick a month] be blessed,” and other such confectionary platitudes often found in Dannie’s Bishop’s Corner column and/or in his sweet-nothing newsletters.

What the Ordination app (and its related apps) does is to enable substandard clerical expertise to reach virtually every corner of traddieland.  But why stop there?  With a Consecration app, the mediocrity could be expanded to include the Episcopal level as well!  No need to fly in a cult-master to do your confirmations for you: do ’em yourself!  And no need to have him do your holy oils for you – do ’em yourself!  As a Pistrina article duly noted, having bishops everywhere does away with all the muss and fuss associated with having to find a bishop for one’s little corner of traddieland.

“But,” you say, “what about all the ‘tenure’ requirements and other canonical requisites (not to mention educational credentials) for “making bishop”?  No problem!  In today’s shoot-from-the-hip traddie world, anything goes.  Rules that bound (and still bind) the institutional Church don’t apply here!  For instance, many “bishops” have had the “five year” tenure requirement waived: Schukardt made it from civilian to bishop in a matter of days!  And one Neanderthal (now holed up in Germany) “got done” just a year or two after his ordination.  And who knows how many the now senile bishop in Wisconsin is cranking out these days (and what their "qualifications" were)?  And, remember, once a guy is “done,” he can do others: the bishop population could multiply geometrically -- almost exponentially!  And since there’s no one policing anyone in traddieland, the need for accountability is happily eliminated!  All one needs are the right digs, the right “apps” for his I-phone, and a willing cult consecrator to get things going.

Of course, all of this is – as were the "fund-raising ideas" in our last article – pure (and “tongue-in-cheek”) supposition.  The reader on whose suggestion we have just expanded offered it in jest.  But it does have a ring of practicality to it: it would perhaps make the traddie world realize how unnecessary the already ridiculously large proliferation of traddie bishops really is; and, in time, it might also make them see how counterfeit some of their credentials are – especially those of “One-hand” Deacon Dan.  And, as the Pistrina article pointed out, it would end the monopoly that such pompous, tinhorn cult-masters now have – and break their stranglehold on the gullible.  Let us hope so, so then traddieland might finally become Catholic.