The
“beatitudes” and “pearls of wisdom” covered in Lay Pulpit’s last article
are philosophical gems of the first stamp that should warm the gizzard and tickle
the cerebral cortex of even the most profoundly mentally-challenged traddie
(and stimulate the regurgitation reflex in the rest of us). Perhaps one day these “pearls” will be
emblazoned in bronze, gracing the lobby of Sanborn’s Swampland Sanitarium (aka MHT
Seminary) – or perhaps gracing the rolls of paper found in certain of its rooms
(where they will be seen more often – and put to better use).
But such
proverbial “pearls” are just generalizations. They are no good unless accompanied by specific blueprints
for action. The well-equipped
traddie must be armed with more than glowing platitudes; hence, we are here to
help -- in any way we can. Lay Pulpit has come up with an
absolutely stupendous list of
strategies/tactics that will help the brain-dead weather any storm that
threatens to enlighten his intellect or contaminate him with moral rectitude. If you’re championing some shady cause,
or find yourself losing an argument because you have lied your way into a
corner, these are some handy tricks that you can use to worm your way out. Okay, ready? Here we go:
1. The “Denial” Tactic. This
is your first line of defense: simply deny
everything – even if you have “lied yourself silly.” Chances are that your opponent won’t remember the lies you
told before; you can just deny having said “such-and-such” – and then pray that
your opponent has “amnesia”! This,
by the way, is the defense that “Pamela” used against “Ted” (aka “the
‘Peregrine’ defense”) in their celebrated e-mail exchange. But, of course, it didn’t work for her,
so she had to go to her second line of defense, the….
2. The “Tangent” tactic. When
one gets proved wrong -- especially with one’s own words (as “Pamela” was), then
the thing to do is to change the subject, or attack some “tangential” issue. “Pamela” tried this (read the whole article),
but was eventually flushed out of her (to quote her idol, Dr. D) “hidey hole.” This is a good tactic, but – alas! -- a
temporary expedient, for it too inevitably gets “found out,” necessitating changing
the subject yet again (and getting “found out” yet again), until one eventually
has to resort to….
3. The “Take toys, go home” tactic (aka the “stonewall” tactic). In this ploy, one simply “grabs his
toys and goes home,” tail between legs, slithering all the way. “Pamela” used this as her “last stand”;
she said that she had “no more time for this sort of thing,” and simply “signed
off.” This tactic is also known as
“SSSS” (Slammed Shut Sphincter Syndrome), wherein the combatant assumes an
“anal” posture and refuses to argue or dispute further, and simply “slams shut.” This tactic is fraught with ignominy
and embarrassment – but, nonetheless, it “gets the job done.” Besides, “he who lies and runs away,
lives to lie another day!”
4. The “Pretend, Maybe It’ll Go Away” Tactic. This one is a kind of hybrid of the “denial” and the “take
toys/go home” tactics, wherein one not only denies,
but pretends that his faux pas has never
taken place. Dr. D
employed it when he removed his hatchet-job article (on Petko) from his website
(and has never again referred to the fact that he had written it) – and is now
hunkered down in his “hidey hole,” pretending that the “smoke” on this (and his
ordination) will go away. The
former pastor of SAG (St. Albert the Great Church) also employed this tactic,
when he betrayed and then left his parish, absconded to Germany, and set up
shop there, pretending that all of his former chicanery had never
happened. This tactic, although
seemingly effective, is still a temporary
ploy, because it “catches up” with its perpetrator in time – especially if Lay Pulpit keeps bringing it back to the
surface!
These
tactics are known by a variety of names, but they all boil down to the same
thing, following the same sequence:
first, try lying; then, when that doesn’t work, attack (and/or lie
about) something else; then, when you run out of those “tangents,” grab your
toys and go home – and then “keep a very low profile.” If this sounds all too futile, take
heart, because there are other “tools” or “trump cards” in the brain-dead
traddie’s tool belt. Here they
are:
1. The “Calumny and Detraction” Card.
This card, also referred to as the “traddie ‘race’ card,” is one that
the brain-dead can use to stop (or at least deflect)
someone’s attack on whichever guilty cult-master the brain-dead is trying to
defend. One simply has only to holler
“calumny” or “detraction,” and the “attacker” will be stopped dead in his
tracks. Apparently, one cannot
expose the misdeeds of another – no matter how heinous those deeds are – if it
is seen as “hurting the wrongdoer’s reputation.” No matter that the wrongdoer may have destroyed someone else’s
reputation (or may have done real material harm to another), he
is nonetheless entitled to his reputation – especially
if he is “a man of the cloth” – which brings us to the next “card,” the….
2. “Alter Christus Immunity”
Card. This card states that “men
of the cloth” are “Alter Christi”
(“other Christs”), and therefore no one is allowed to “touch” them -- to criticize them or any of their
actions: a kind of ecclesiastical “diplomatic immunity.” This card works for a great multitude
of traddies; and the more brain-dead the traddie, the better it works. Clerics of any stripe (excepting Bp.
Petko, of course) are considered “sacred” – “off limits” to any sort of
criticism or even “confrontational behavior.” For instance, Tony Cekada used it quite effectively (or so
he thought) against any criticism of his handling of Schiavo – especially when it was a woman who was being “confrontational.” And, of course, anyone who dared speak out against all
the scandalous goings on at SGG was guilty of this sort of sacrilege as
well. For those brain-dead zombies
still at SGG, this was (and still is) a most effective deterrent to any
“disrespect” leveled against their cult-masters.
3. The “Shoot the Messenger” Card.
This classic trump card, although a brainless one, is still widely used
– especially by “first-timers” who have not the savvy to come up with anything
more “original.” They seem to
delight in “knowing who their adversary is” and then “exposing” him by
referring to him by name – all the while completely ignoring the message that
the adversary is presenting. Apparently, they think that one will be “embarrassed” at
being “found out” – and that this will somehow make him “clam up” and refrain
from speaking out again. For the
brain-dead, this gives them a “cat-that-swallowed-the-canary” sense of
triumphant euphoria.
Unfortunately, the use of this card usually ends up with its user
embarrassing himself; plus, his
“sense of euphoria” is all too often erased
when the “adversary” turns out to be a cat-swallowing
shark.
4. The “Profanity” Card. Another
classic: this card is also one of those “low tech” weapons used by the
unschooled to “disqualify” arguments because of “improper language.” If one uses words such as “bullshit,”
he is automatically condemned as being “not Catholic” – because this is a “bad
word,” boys and girls! It’s the
proverbial “aw shit” that wipes out the hundred “attaboys” -- where one
“four-letter word” can cancel the beneficial effects of Aquinas’s Summa Theologica. The use of this card was effectively illustrated
in a previous Lay Pulpit article, where it also showcased one
of traddieland’s finer traits: hypocrisy.
All of the
foregoing tactics have been employed by the likes of Cekada and Droleskey, and
even by lower life forms such as “the Neanderthal” (SAG’s former pastor) – all
to no avail. They have all brought
their bean-shooters into battle, only to be met by laser-guided howitzers. One would think that they’ve had
enough, but they “keep coming back for more.” It’s almost as if they’re taking a correspondence course in
masochism, and they must keep taking the exam over and over again!
Every now
and then, too, one of their inept apologists – the “pawns” in their chess game
-- comes in to “run interference” for them (“Simply Catholic,” “Introibo,” or some other encephalic
paraplegic), and each gets mowed down by withering machine-gun fire (an M-60
will do; one doesn’t like to waste his “howitzer” on minor nuisances). They are the “flies” (hanging around
the cult-center outhouse) that occasionally need to be swatted. We thank them, however, for we need do
a little “pest control” now and then (and we thank the cult-masters for
providing the steaming heaps that attract them).
The truth
is, traddieland has become a wasteland, where truth is despised and hearsay and rumor are taken as gospel, and where the innocent
are condemned, and the guilty are worshipped as heroes: Anthony Cekada’s travesty
on Schiavo was condoned (or even defended) by SGG’s parishioners, his
pathetic “WHH” was hailed by them as a “masterpiece,” and the sick goings on at
SGG were ignored by them as if they had never happened. Yet they (and especially their “St.
Albert’s” spinoffs) can nail an innocent bishop to a cross – a man who, to this
day, is still shunned by many as “damaged goods” or some sort of “leper”
(although, mercifully, this misconception is dissolving, as more and more
people see and recognize the truth about the vicious hatchet job that Droleskey
did on him).
Too many
traddies, too, are looking for some cheap, magical way to get to heaven,
following their cult-masters’ pharisaic, letter-of-the-law formulae for
“finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.” The trouble is, the cult-masters (and sanctimonious
pulpiteers like Dr. D) get the “gold,” while the sheep get the “rainbow” (or
some other mirage). And speaking
of “Dr. D,” it’s time to put those rumors about his becoming a priest into
their proper perspective. First of
all -- according to many eye witnesses, including a woman who goes by the
moniker of “Peregrine” – he is a priest (she witnessed
his ordination by Slupski). But priest
or no priest, the relevant point to seize here is that “a Roman collar does not
turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse.”
He is still a beggar who panders boring, sanctimonious swill for money –
and a liar to boot. His becoming a
priest will not rehabilitate him; it will only serve to make him look even more
ludicrous and irrelevant than he already is. It is time that this loser starts making an honest living instead of catering to the
brain-dead with his sanctimonious drivel.
Actually,
it’s high time that ALL of traddieland’s losers get real jobs – and stop
peddling Droleskeyite sanctimony, Dolanesque ostentation, or the false
scholarship of arrogant, condescending know-nothings like Cekada. Traddieland has become a place where
“seminaries” are little more than “puppy mills,” turning out simplex simpletons
who forget how to make holy water – or forget the words of the consecration (or
where, in Slupski’s freak show, any Tom, Dick, or Harry can be made a priest –
in the confessional – with no seminary training whatsoever required). Traddieland, in short, has made itself
the laughing stock of Catholicism.
It is a sick joke, except that it is not
funny – it is a tragedy. It is an embarrassment. In short, it is not Catholic.
But these hucksters
cannot function unless empowered by willing, obsequious fodder who provide the
fuel for their machines. The
peasants who give their hard-earned money (and labors) to them in return for “pageantry”
must learn to, first, close their pocketbooks
to the cult-masters – to “starve the beast” – and then close their minds to them. They must come to realize that the hucksters are just giving
them “the show” instead of the substance. Until that happens, traddieland will not be (or become)
Catholic. It’ll just be a futile charade
of “pontifical nostalgia,” syrupy sanctimony, and wishful thinking.
But, lest
the reader get the wrong impression, not all traddies are unwitting victims of their cult-masters; many are willing accomplices – co-conspirators – who know exactly who and what their hireling
shepherds are. This is certainly true
at SGG, where people are fully aware of what has gone on there, but who
(literally) don’t give a damn: they
must have their “show” – and they’ll overlook anything and everything
to get it. The same is true for the
remnant “SAG” crowd, who backed their pastor’s (and Dr. D’s) cowardly attack on
an innocent man, but who are themselves too cowardly to admit it (and, so far,
not one of whom has come forward to apologize to the man, either publicly or
privately). They have tried to
assuage their guilt by changing their name to “St. Therese” – but it won’t
wash. A leopard cannot change its
spots.
When will
“traddieland” come clean? Probably
never, for it is “a ship without a rudder” (actually, more like amusement-park
“bumper cars” with no steering wheels, going every which way, and getting in one another’s way). There is no hierarchy to govern it and
“keep it honest.” There are too
many self-appointed “fly-by-nighters” plying worldly agendas -- preaching
“heaven” but practicing hedonism -- making
(and breaking) rules as they go along, and preying on gullible parishioners
with narrow minds and fat wallets.
And, in spite of the aforementioned plea for traddies to “starve” the
cult-masters, it seems that this folly will continue. Practically speaking, until some sort of restoration happens
(or until God “steps in”), the parasitic cult-masters will continue their blood-sucking,
until both they and their hosts inevitably die. So, until that appropriate remedy materializes, one must
hope for the best, prepare for the worst – and pray that God will spare us in
the trials to come.
