There’s No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

Every year around All Souls' Day, Dannie Dolan cranks up his “indulgence machine.”  This past All Souls’ Day was no exception.  In his Nov. 4, 2017 ’Corner, Dannie intoned the word “indulgence” no less than three times, in his efforts to remind the Gerties that they could earn some by coming to the cult center at the prescribed times, and doing the prescribed “acts.”  And more often than not, the prescribed “act” includes some sort of “offering” – purgatorian society envelopes, for instance.  When one puts the prescribed “donation” in the envelope (and sends it in to Dannie), whichever poor souls’ names are on the list get some sort of remission of their “temporal punishment.”

Now the thing that makes one wonder is this: how many “names” are allowed on one envelope?  And what happens if the “prescribed amount” is not in the envelope?  Does that soul get “short-changed”?  And if, perhaps, there’s no limit on how many names can be on an envelope, why can’t one just put everybody’s name on the list?  And if one forgets to put a name on the list, is that soul “SOL”  (“S*** Outta Luck”)? Or if that soul was Novus Ordo, is he or she also “outta luck” or somehow “disqualified”  (like the one whom Dannie refused both Extreme Unction and a Requiem Mass that one time)?¹  

These are burning questions, especially for those on whose resolution a “plenary” indulgence often hinges.  And if a plenary indulgence was gained for someone last year (or the year before that, or the year before…), then why is another one needed?  Do they not “take” sometimes?  Do they somehow lose their efficacy over time?  And this brings up another question: why is a donation required at all?  Why must there always be an expectation of monetary compensation in return for purely spiritual favors?

Then there are, at various times, other envelopes for this or that “intention.”  Dannie has all sorts of manufactured reasons for “envelope stuffing” throughout the year: “Easter memorials,” Christmas memorials,” “Lenten offerings,” etc. (not to mention, all the a la carte “special intentions” throughout the year (money for SGG’s “excessively high heating bills,” or to fix its ever-leaking roof, for instance).  If a particular deceased loved one was previously “covered” by an offering on one of these occasions, then why does he or she need to be “covered” again?  (And why is another cash offering required?)  And tell us, Dannie: does a person get more “graces” by putting his money in one of these envelopes (vs. adding it to his regular “weekly collection” offering)?  How many times must the gullible Gerties “go to the well” for Dannie, to get their “intentions” fulfilled?

Then, of course, there are SGG’s votive candles.  We fondly recall the time when a woman paid for one of Dannie’s “five day” candles, only to discover that, when she returned the next day, the candle was extinguished.  Why, we may ask, was this candle snuffed out the day after it was lit?  And (notwithstanding the reasons for why it was prematurely extinguished -- and whether that compromised its “efficacy” or not), we also wonder what kind of enhanced “efficacy” a “five day” candle has over a “one day” candle (or, for that matter, a five-hour or five-minute candle.  How much “better” is a five-day candle than any other candle?  How many more “graces” does it provide?

But then there’s the biggest laugher of them all: Dannie’s “privileged altar” (and all the “indulgences” attached to it).²  Remember that one?  Remember all of Dannie’s claims about it?  Are you starting to ask yourself if all of this is sounding a little “fishy” -- a little “too good to be true”?  Are you starting to ask yourself if His Fraudulency could be “selling us a bill of goods” here?  Yes, he could be – and yes, he is.  Dannie’s “indulgences” – like the rest of his wares – are FAKE.  They’re NON-EXISTENT.  In fact, everything that Dannie says or does is fake -- because he has no commission from the Church to grant such things (or have such power).  He has no authority.  He has no jurisdiction.  He is an imposter.³  Add to that the fact that he’s shown himself to be a cheat, charging people for “five-day” candles -- and then having them blown out after one day, just to save a little beeswax.

Dannie’s “indulgences” (and all the rest of it) are just fund-raising schemes – ways for people to empty their wallets for him -- and nothing more.  The sad thing here about what Dannie is doing is that this is what got the Church into trouble to begin with, spawning the Protestant Revolt: selling indulgences.⁴  Worse, he’s selling “indulgences” that are non-existent – and selling them over and over again.  How many times have the Gerties stuffed “purgatorian society” envelopes year after year – often for the same “indulgences”?  And how many “memorial” envelopes have they stuffed for extra “graces”?  What Dannie is doing here, pure and simple, is Simony: the buying and selling of ecclesiastical privileges – except that they don’t exist.

The Gerties think that, by getting all these “indulgences” and “graces,” they’re “getting something for nothing” – a “free lunch,” as it were.  Actually, the opposite is true: they’re paying a very significant “something” – and getting nothing in return.  All of these “offerings” are just different ways in which Dannie can empty their wallets.   And the absolutely amazing thing is that Dannie gets away with it – at least up until now.  The Gerties have actually fallen for this crap, and some still do – still taking Dannie’s snake oil for “the real thing.”  But that’s human nature: since time immemorial, people have been intrigued with the idea of “getting something for nothing”; and many will unquestioningly believe those who promise it to them – and do anything to get it.

And that’s what cults do.  That’s why they’re in business.  The people of Jonestown were willing to commit mass suicide for their “salvation.”  All that Dannie’s Gerties have to do, on the other hand, is to stuff envelopes with money on a regular basis.  What could be easier and more “straight-forward” than that? – except that it’s not straight-forward.  It’s about as “crooked” as one can get. Week after week, Dannie’s promises his Gerties all sorts of “magic”; but all they get, more and more, is humbug – and a combination of never-ending guilt-tripping and pleas for more money.

But, fortunately, the Gerties are catching on to Dannie’s act – and “voting with their feet” (and their wallets).  Collections are down.  Attendance is dwindling.  Just about every week, in fact, Dannie has something to say about the low attendance.  One Sunday, he lamented that “Sunday church attendance continues low this Fall.  Looks like we peaked in Summer.  Go figure.”⁵  Well, Dannie, your Gerties are “figuring.”  They are catching on.  They are beginning to realize that your cult is just that – a cult – and that it’s fake, that it’s bogus, and that they’re throwing their money away for NOTHING.

This coming Lent, Dannie will no doubt be (once again) cranking up his “indulgence machine,” and/or will be promising some other “free” ways to get “guaranteed salvation.”  But this time, Gerties, don’t fall for the scam.  First of all, nothing that Dannie ever “gives” is really “free.”  You usually end up paying for your “free lunch.”  Secondly (and more importantly), Dannie’s “indulgences,” like all his other “spiritual goodies,” are, to repeat, counterfeit.  Therefore, you are paying, but getting nothing in return.  So, keep your money in your wallet, where it belongs -- not in Dannie’s pocket, where it disappears without a trace.  Charity begins at home, not at the cult center.  This coming year, do the right thing: make a New Year’s resolution to… 

Starve the beast!

___________________________

¹ See the LP article (click here) about the time Dannie refused a Requiem Mass (and the last rites) for the Novus Ordo mother of an SGG parishioner (who was poor), yet granted both to another Novus Ordo woman, simply because her husband was a big SGG donor. 

² Dannie’s bogus claim of a “privileged altar” was exposed by Pistrina Liturgica.  (Click here and here for PL’s articles on this.)

³ This, therefore, makes all of those “burning questions that we brought up before irrelevant.  If an “indulgence” is bogus to begin with, then – no matter how many times it is “gained” -- it’s still bogus.

⁴ It’s ironic that the building of St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome, the biggest church in Christendom (built to triumphantly celebrate the supremacy of the Church), precipitated the splitting of Christendom – a split due largely to the abuse of selling indulgences to pay for that “triumph.”  And it’s ironic that Dannie is virtually doing the same thing, except that his “indulgences” are bogus – because, to reiterate, he has no commission from the Church to do so.

⁵ After this past All Souls' Day, Dannie also commented (in his November 4 ’Corner):  “Fr. McKenna says he’s always edified by the numbers who come back, freely, one day after the day of obligation, to pray for the Poor Souls to be freed from their fiery prison.  And it is true, but the Bishop [Bishop?  To whom  are you referring here, Dannie?] remembers many years ago that one could have an evening High Mass for All Souls, and draw a good crowd to pray for poor souls, ‘whom no man could number.’  Those who once attended are dead, and it is for us the living now to remember them too in prayer, at Mass and with indulgences. It is a wonderful thing that we can offer many Masses on November 2 (each priest is privileged to offer three) and that the living still come, albeit in little clusters rather than crowds, to pray for our dear dead.”  (Did you notice, too, in the following week’s ’Corner, the number of “saints” there were in Dannie’s “All Saints” group picture? (Dannie has SGG’s kids dress up for it every year.  In years past, there were dozens.  This year, there were barely a dozen -- probably from two or three families at most.)  (Click here for photo.)