Why Stop at Paver Stones?

With the anticipated sales of Anthony Cekada’s WHH (Work of Human Hands) tanking as they have, the marketing moguls at SGG (St. Gertrude the Great Church) have had to turn to new ways of squeezing blood from the proverbial turnip.  Well, just when it seemed that they had run out of ideas – poof! – they have come up with what they hope will be a successful fund-raising ploy: memorial paver bricks!!  The idea here is that one can remember a loved one – living or deceased – by purchasing an “inscribed memorial stone” to adorn SGG’s cloister walkway.  And “loved ones” include (according to SGG’s ad on its website) not just relatives and friends, but veterans, war dead, military units (?), favorite saints (?), and “the forgotten” (i.e., just about anybody) – all for the paltry sum of $75 a brick!  (Wow, what a bargain!)  Oh, and if you’re an “out-of-towner” and can’t make it there to actually see your brick, they’ll send you a photo of it (double wow!).

The “beauty part” of pavers is that they are “no-brainers,” i.e., they require no “authorship” on anyone’s part.  There’s no “treatise” to write, hence no risk of Tony’s botched, mistranslated Latin coming into play, nor any of his arrogant, puerile rhetoric – just simple, carved inscriptions.  Not only that: unlike WHH, one gets – according to SGG’s website ad – “graces” for buying a paver.  And in SGG’s wonderful fantasy world of “anything goes” Epikeia, that can include just about anything: an indulgence – perhaps even a plenary indulgence – or even a “boys-will-be-boys” dispensation that whitewashes one’s next act of carnal immorality or sadism.   

Also, pavers are great “peer pressure” devices: when one parishioner buys a paver, others will then feel obligated to do the same.  Until one buys a brick, the very fact that one's name doesn’t yet appear on the walkway labels him as a “non-participant”  -- thereby providing a built-in incentive for shaming him into buying a brick.  But, you know, the cloister walkway is only so long; and, eventually, it’ll be filled to capacity.  No problem!  There’s the walkway from the rectory to the church!  And how about the parking lot?!  And, to ensure filling them up, what about expanding “loved ones” to include animals too – a favorite pet, for instance?  Or, how about getting a memorial stone to commemorate Puccini, Vivaldi, or Caravaggio (SGG’s resident pet cats)?  (Look at the brownie points this would get one with the cult-masters!)

And, while we’re on the subject of critters, remember that SGG’s grotto pond happens to contain critters (fish, that is); and, occasionally, these fish die (either from natural causes, or from “attrition” at the hands of Puccini, Vivaldi, or Caravaggio) -- and therefore need to be “replenished” now and then.  So, there you have it: yet another golden fund-raising opportunity!  One could sponsor a “replacement fish” (let’s call it “adopt-a-carp”!).  And as each “replacement” fish dies, it gets replaced for, say, two hundred bucks a pop.  And remember also, that each dead fish automatically qualifies as a “memorial critter” for yet another paver brick – doubling the fund-raising potential!

But why stop at memorial paver bricks (or critter sponsoring)?  There are other commemorative “themes” that could be exploited too: how about commemorative floor tiles in the church?  Commemorative pews? And in a variation on the old “pay toilets” theme, how about requiring people (who use the restrooms) to pay for the privilege?  And how about – if they leave church to use the restroom (or tend to a crying baby) during the sermon – how about letting them come back in before the sermon is finished (which they’re currently not allowed to do) – but charging them double for it?

To be sure, these suggested “fund-raising ideas” – offered, of course, in jest -- seem far-fetched; but, in principle, they’re no more far-fetched than the “pavers” idea: they’re all unnecessary, “non-value-added” creations.  The cloister walkway, by the way, is already “paved” -- so why do it again?  But that doesn’t matter; the two SGG “shepherds” don’t need a reason – a good reason, at least -- as long as it increases their revenue.  SGG’s website is crammed with solicitations for donations (and suggested ways to do so).  So, it is only a matter of time before more “imaginative” alternatives of revenue generation (not very dissimilar to the ones facetiously suggested here) take root in the fertile minds of the dynamic duo.

In lieu of fund-raising alternatives, however, may we suggest – not in jest, but in dead earnest – that they try taking Ben Franklin’s advice of “A penny saved is a penny earned,” and stop spending and start curtailing.  What was the need for a 2000 sq. ft. rectory (big enough to accommodate four or five bedrooms) to house two priests, each with his own 20+ ft. bedroom, private full bath, and walk-in closet?  And what was the need for the rectory to be outfitted with three (yes, three) HVAC (Heating, Ventilating, and Air Conditioning) “climate zones” (while SGG’s church vestibule is kept unheated during the cold winter months for its “crying room” mothers)?  What was the need for “pilgrimages” or “sabbaticals” to a $400/night resort in the desert Southwest, or for yearly “apostolates” to Europe and Latin America?  Why did SGG’s pastor and assistant pastor have to dine regularly at upscale restaurants?  And why did they have to celebrate separate “silver jubilees” (of their priestly ordinations) at what is arguably the most opulent (and expensive) venue in town: the Palm Court in downtown Cincinnati’s premier hotel?

Now they (or one of their cultlings) might argue that they were entitled to all those goodies; and SGG’s parishioners might also argue that they too were invited to those “jubilees”; and, hence, the money was spent on them as well.   Yes, that is true – but the “sheep” were served the cheaper wines, while the “shepherds” got “the good stuff”; and the twenty thousand dollars or so that went for each “jubilee” could have been better spent on heating SGG’s vestibule so that its shivering “crying room” mothers wouldn’t have to “offer it up” while their “shepherds” sit comfy in a well-heated church (or in their rectory “climate zones”).

Now before one of SGG’s cultlings accuses this writer of complaining “about the money spent on God,” the twenty thousand dollars or so spent at these jubilees (or the money spent at the Bishop’s Lodge, or at the La Petite France, Iron Horse Inn, and Grand Finalé restaurants) was NOT spent on God, but on the comfort and gratification of two men.  They may also argue that Dolan and Cekada no longer regularly dine at fine restaurants.  This may be true, too – but they would if they could.  The fact is -- now that they’re no longer being underwritten by the family who used to be their main benefactor (but who became disgusted with them and left) -- they can no longer afford the extravagances of “the good old days.”  (Perhaps, then, the “pavers” will help bring back some of yesteryear’s “luster”!)

But the fact also is, people are getting fed up with privileged clergy’s extravagance at the expense of cash-strapped parishioners who are expected to bankroll that sort of thing.  Just recently in the news, the Novus Ordo Bishop of Bling (Germany) was suspended for spending $42 million to renovate his “residence.”  The faithful of his diocese RIGHTFULLY revolted (and, reportedly, are now leaving in droves).  But I’m sure that the SGG “apologists” will find some way to interpret these peoples’ reaction as “Judas-like,” just as an anonymous “commenter” did the same with the author of the Pistrina Liturgica blog, who mentioned the Bishop of Bling’s extravagance on that website (and who rightfully likened it to the extravagance of some “traddie” clergy). 

That “commenter” stated that “back in the good old days,” the faithful always “provided well” for their clergy.  Well, I would like to remind this “commenter” that back in the real “good old days” (i.e., when Our Lord walked this earth), He reminded His apostles that “the first shall be last, and the last shall be first.”  He did not promise them a life of luxury, or even a life of modest comfort; He promised them a life of hardship and sacrifice (and, for most of them, martyrdom).  Our Lord did not live in a European palace, or in a three-climate-zone rectory – nor did He intend for anyone else to; He set the example of humility for the apostles to follow – which they did.

But, as history shows, His divine institution fell prey to worldly men, who did not follow that example, but who all too often followed a worldly path, where, in time, the Church came to be not an avenue for spiritual growth, but a way for nobles’ sons (other than the first-borns who “got the manor house”) to “get ahead.”   The abuses of the late Middle Ages are well-documented: simony, lay Investiture, and the worldly pursuits of Church prelates, including several popes – abuses which ultimately led to the split-up of Christendom.  It was this, by the way -- the Protestant Revolt, not the anticlericalism of Voltaire and others in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries (as another “commenter” on the Pisrina blog erroneously contended) – that turned people against the worldliness of the Church.  (Voltaire and his “Enlightenment” buddies – the Illuminati -- were more about Rationalism and opposition to kings than about opposition to clerical opulence per se).

It is ironic that the building of St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome – which was to be the visible symbol of "the Church triumphant” – signaled the beginning of its downward slide.  The selling of indulgences (and that’s what it was in many cases) to provide funds for St. Peter’s was the “final straw” that convinced people of what they had suspected for some time: that it was more about building an impressive edifice -- about “the show,” about money -- than about the Faith.  That, probably even more so than the doctrinal arrows slung by Calvin et al, is what split Christendom asunder; Luther and the Protestant Revolt were largely Frankensteins of the Church’s own making.

Only after the Church got back to its spiritual roots – with people like St. Francis of Assisi and St. Ignatius of Loyola, who did their best to purge it of its worldliness – did it start to flourish again.  And it will continue to flourish only if it sticks to this formula.  There is nothing wrong with beautiful rites and rubrics per se – but putting on elaborate pageantry while ignoring Catholic morality are not what Catholicism is all about.  The SGG duo are counterfeit not so much because of their extravagant lifestyle (although that is certainly part of it), but because they really aren’t Catholic.  If they were, they’d care about the dignity of life – Terri Schiavo’s life -- and they wouldn’t apply a hypocritical double standard when it comes to Catholic morality: dismissing their school principal’s sons’ watching porn (or impregnating a female student) as “boys will be boys,” while having a boy who is not one of the principal’s sons beaten with a wooden paddle because he missed his homework assignment.

No matter how impressive SGG’s “show” is, or how “holy” it seems, the dynamic duo’s sanctimony will never pass for sanctity, nor will their “guilt-tripping” and coercion ever pass for “authority” – and all the hapless “damage control” apologetics mouthed by their fawning followers will not change what they are: unprincipled, self-seeking con men -- unbridled mini-potentates answerable to no one but themselves -- who pursue a worldly agenda, and who will make (and break) whatever rules necessary to get what they want.  The time for men like them is past.  We cannot tolerate such scoundrels; nor can we tolerate -- to borrow Belloc’s words -- a “re-calcification” of Catholicism, where spectacle becomes more important than substance, and where unscrupulous demagogues preach one thing but practice another.

What is needed is men who will lead by example – the Christ-like example of St. Francis and St. Ignatius – not self-appointed authoritarians who don’t practice what they preach (and who can’t even be trusted in what they do preach).  Fortunately, the real audience out there – the clergy who are not part of SGG’s cult clique – are starting to realize this, and are finding out what the “dynamic duo” are all about -- and they are becoming convinced.  And that’s all that really matters.  The dynamic duo’s apologists can continue to wallow in their fantasy of denial -- but the truth is becoming too apparent for them to ignore.  In time, perhaps even they, for their own benefit, will get over their myopic bias and see what everyone else is seeing.

And what about Dolan and Cekada themselves?  Unfortunately, the only practicable way to convince them – or, at least, to stop them – is to starve them, because, to date, appealing to their consciences has not worked.  When confronted with concrete evidence of their misdeeds – of the so many that they have victimized – they have simply ignored it, instead “playing the victim” themselves, and hiding behind a mask of pharisaic piety and false humility – a mask, that when stripped, reveals shameless hypocrisy and duplicity.  The only real hope of “reforming” them – if that is indeed possible -- is for them to be stripped of their worldly riches, i.e.,  to have their revenue flow cut off, forcibly depriving them of the same.  That is the only medicine, it seems, that will effectively work for them.  “For them,” as the late Vince Lombardi might have put, “it’s not the best thing, it’s the only thing.”