ALL ABOUT THE LAY PULPIT

Saturday, February 28, 2015

The New Feudalism

We remember from our history books that, after the barbarian invasions, the western half of the Roman Empire fell into disarray, becoming a “feudal” society, i.e., a haphazard conglomeration of small, disjointed political entities (kingdoms, principalities, duchies, etc.), most of which were often at war (“feuding”) with one another.  Even Charlemagne’s Holy Roman Empire  (the “bright spot” in the middle of the “Dark Ages”) was not all that cohesive – and was certainly short-lived.**   The glue that really held Europe together then was not political, but religious, i.e., it was the Church that was the main uniting force during those “Dark Ages,” while Europe wallowed in political disunity.

It is ironic that, since then, the opposite has evolved: while Western Civilization became more politically united (or at least coalesced into “nation states”), the Protestant Revolt split Christendom asunder, dividing it into ever more factions.  And today, although the “mainstream Catholic Church” survives organizationally intact, it is morally and spiritually splintered – and its doctrines watered down, ambiguously “interpreted,” or even abandoned altogether.  It is unified in name only; functionally, it is “feudal”: one believes pretty much whatever one wants; and doctrines and morals (i.e., the ones still “intact”) are not really enforced anymore.

But “traditional Catholicism” is different, right?  Wrong.  All too often, traditional Catholicism is -- to borrow Belloc’s word – a “calcified” Catholicism, where the letter of the law reigns, but its spirit is notably absent.  It is “the new feudalism”: a disunited mishmash of warring factions that is “Catholic" in name only.  It (supposedly) stands for everything Catholic – but, again, only for its letter, not its spirit.  And even in the “letter” respect, it often follows that letter selectively at best.  Traddieleand’s factions are not so much “united in opposition to Rome” as they are “disunited in opposition to one another.”  The shining example of that is, of course, the SGG cult center: “rival” chapels are disqualified or condemned for one reason or another (non-adherence to “sedevacantism,” “una cum,” etc.); and anyone who violates its “rules” is “excommunicated” by Daniel Dolan (as if he had the authority).

And, even with that “letter” of the law, he preaches one thing, but does another.  For instance, Dannie “waxes poetic” about “Holy Innocents”; yet he condoned the watching of porn (and animal torture videos) on SGG’s school computer, and raised not an eyebrow (at least in the case of the boy) when one of the SGG school principal’s sons impregnated a fellow female student.  And Tony?  He doesn’t even preach the right thing:  his “theological opinion” on Schiavo, i.e., his monstrous justification of Terri Schiavo’s murder, is diametrically opposed to official Catholic teaching (and to all morality, for that matter).  What he said about Schiavo will -- like Pearl Harbor -- “live in infamy”; and his condescending rebuttals to those who opposed him on it will continue to serve as the textbook example of ARROGANCE (not to mention, ignorance).  The “bottom line” is that he and Dannie say whatever they want; and anyone who questions them -- for any reason whatsoever – is anathema.

Actually, they don’t really care two straws for “the letter of the law,” but only for their “law” – and, in the end, not even that.  What they really care about is, as always, how things look -- for the “cosmetics.”  That is why they engage in all sorts of elaborate, over-the-top pageantry (that used to be rare in Catholic churches) on an almost weekly basis.  They do it because it works – at least on the brain-dead.  They put on this impressive ostentation, yet ignore basic Catholic teaching on the sanctity of life (as they did on Schiavo).  And when they do “follow” the letter of the law, they use it to their advantage, as Dannie did when he went down during Lent to Mexico -- where the Lenten rules are “relaxed” and the weather is bueno – and where he could use those “relaxed rules” as a justification for pigging out on “copious quantities of beef,” while exhorting the cult-slaves back home to “keep a good Lent” (with fish sticks and freezing temperatures) – and, to add insult to injury, exhorting them to pick up the tab for his “excessive heating bills.”

And what have Dannie and Tony done for “traditional Catholicism” – or for Catholicism in general?  Have they united it?  No.  Have they upheld its precepts?  Not really.  Instead, they make up their own: they boldly declare a Mass “invalid” just because the priest prays for someone whom they don’t consider to be a valid pope (as if these Roman-collared clowns had any theological basis for making such a claim, or the authority or jurisdiction to do so -- or the power to enforce it).  Their reason for making it, of course, was not to uphold orthodoxy, but to keep the sheep in the pen – in order to fatten their wallets.

And are the SGG clergy unique in making such ridiculous claims (and in using them to keep their sheep from straying to ”rival” groups?)  Not really.  The SSPV folks, for instance, have proclaimed that the “Thuc lineage” of clergy is “invalid” -- and that anyone who goes to them for sacraments is a public sinner.  Those claims are just as phony as Dannie’s and Tony’s.  (However, we can say that these folks don’t seem to be as mercenary as the SGG cultists; and we do applaud them for their opposition to Dannie and Tony -- but not for their stated reasons.)  There are other groups too, who, if they don’t outright disqualify other groups, at least discourage their members from going to them – hardly a shining example of “unifying spirit.”  And, of course, many of Traddieland’s separatist enclaves argue about issues that are in fact non-critical, but which they portray as almost as if they were “articles of faith.”

The net result of all this bickering and back-biting is disunity, non-cooperation, and mutual distrust -- in effect, a feudal society – in every sense of the word.  In all too many cases, rival groups give lip service to “unity” -- but they don’t mean it – nor do they want it.  They want disunity.  It is their raison d'être -- and everything they say or do is expressly for that purpose.  They must keep as many of their sheep as possible to themselves, because more sheep means more power (and more money).  That’s why they keep dreaming up ways of convincing their followers that they’re “the only game in town.”

For Traddieland to survive, it must unify.  Right now, it is a pathetic mishmash of pilotless bumper cars, all going aimlessly in different directions, and at cross-purposes.  It is also, for the most part, a bunch of amateurs: it really has no intellectual infrastructure.  Most of its seminaries are “puppy mills” that turn out simplex priests at best – with no real theological expertise.  (The SSPX is an exception, but most “trads” consider them pariahs).   But to unify, it must first cleanse itself of those who want to keep it “feudal” -- especially those self-seeking hucksters who play the “control” game for their own material gain. 

Then it must try to take back the Church – to fix it, not leave it (as it has done so far).  This, of course, is easier said than done, because, being outside the institutional Church, it has no real authority (or jurisdiction) to “do anything.”  So what can “good men with no authority” do?  First, they must acknowledge those self-seeking hucksters just mentioned for what they are, and separate themselves from them.  And, even if they have no power or authority to “make things happen” outright, these good men can at least lead by good example.  And, who knows?  Perhaps one day that example will “rub off” on others, and real Catholicism will once again take root.   Such a renaissance will surely need divine help -- and much more than “good example” is surely required if it is to succeed. But one thing is for sure: it WON’T succeed in the disjointed, dysfunctional “feudalism” that is Traddieland today.

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** The “Holy Roman Empire,” as a coherent political entity, lasted only a few generations  -- and, of course, wasn’t “Roman” but Gothic.  Charlemagne, or rather, Karl der Gross (for he spoke German, not French) was himself illiterate, and his “empire” was not all that cohesive (especially linguistically); nor was it an “empire” in the sense that it enjoyed a stable period of “peace.”  There was no “Pax Carolina” to match antiquity’s Pax Romana:  both Karl’s reign and his son’s were a continuous series of wars fought in an attempt to keep the empire together.  After the death of his son (“Louis the Pious”) his empire was split amongst three of his grandsons: “Charles the Bald” (who got what is now mainly France), “Louis the German” (who got the eastern, German-speaking part), and “Lothair” (who got the German-speaking middle part, “Lotharingia” -- or “Lorraine,” as the French call it – which has been a point of contention between the French and Germans ever since).

Sunday, February 15, 2015

SGG: The Legacy of 2009

A recent Pistrina article announcing the introduction of a new (actually, resurrected) website (sggscandal.com) brought the following comment from one of its readers: “I wouldn't be surprised at all if any of the people in the articles [on the new website] that were accosted and harassed by SGG lost their Faith. It truly sounds that bad.”  Well, that could have surely been the case in a few instances.  But, we are happy to say, in most cases, the people victimized at SGG during that time did not lose their faith.  On the contrary, most of them emerged from their ordeal morally strengthened (as those who are persecuted usually do).  Most left for new chapels where they were welcome – and no longer mistreated.

By and large, the ones who lost their faith were those who were not victimized – who were “standing on the sidelines” and observing the hypocrisy of the SGG clergy – and becoming disenchanted by it.  This is especially true of the younger parishioners.  Mature adults – especially “conditioned culties” – usually ignored the misdeeds of their cult-masters, because their brains were already programmed to accept whatever their masters decreed.  But children – and especially adolescents – are a different story: not yet fully trained to “shut up and obey,” they tend to think for themselves (and to observe and notice a lot more than we realize).

They’re not so gullible as they were as little kids, nor are they so “pliable” and obsequious as their cultie parents.  By and large, they’re more “street smart” and skeptical these days.  They “pick up” on what’s going on, and they’re not so easily fooled.  They see through the hypocrisy of the cult-masters; and, unlike their parents, they don’t buy it.  Also, in today’s “wired world,” they’re wired in, “networking” with one another, and often “knowing the scuttlebutt” even before the adults do.  For instance, when a female student got impregnated (by one of the SGG School principal’s sons), it was common knowledge amongst the “teenagers” long before the rest of the parishioners found out about it.

And when they see the pastor ignore this as if it had never happened – when they see him dismiss the watching of porn and animal torture videos on the school computer (again, by the principal’s sons) as “boys will be boys” -- how do they “digest” this information?  Unfortunately, they get indigestion – especially when they simultaneously witness (and are subjected to) arbitrary, meaningless “dress codes” – or when they see a student get thrashed with a wooden paddle for something as minor as missing a homework assignment.  They easily see through the hypocrisy -- the double standard – and they get disillusioned.

That is what is so sad about what happened at SGG back in 2009: the scandalous events disillusioned a whole generation of young people.  As a direct result, several teenagers and young adults (and even some of the adults) lost their faith: one man’s wife left him; and of his children, one conceived two children out of wedlock, and another turned “lesbian.”  As of this writing, none of his children go to church.  They, along with many other parishioners’ children, stopped going to church altogether – any church.  They equate the cult-masters with “Catholicism” – and they reject it.  For them, Catholicism has become a farce.  But the other “sad thing” is that most of SGG’s adult parishioners really don’t care about what happened in 2009.  They just “put it behind them,” and look on it as “water over the dam.”  Their attitude seems to be, “Well, it may have happened, but the pastor and school principal seem to be behaving themselves these days, so let’s ‘forgive and forget,’ and let bygones be bygones.”*

But are they really “behaving themselves”?  And if so, are they doing it because they have “reformed,” or simply because they must, now that people are aware of (and wary about) 2009?  Have they really “cleaned up their act,” or are they merely being more “careful” these days?  A strong indication that they have NOT reformed (and are not really repentant) is that they have never admitted wrongdoing, much less, apologized for it.  (In Cekada’s Quidlibet, for example, he admitted that he witnessed the beating of a kid, but actually defended it.)  Predators really don’t change.  They just become more careful, more “cagey.”  They find other sheep’s clothing to wear, and other victims to prey upon – because they can no longer afford to cannibalize their own support base.

However, they still manage to find subtle ways to exploit that support base (or at least they think they’re being subtle) -- last winter’s “apostolate” to Mexico, for instance: Dannie taking Lenten getaway to warm, sunny Mexico, and pigging out on “copious quantities of beef” (at the culties’ expense, of course), while simultaneously whining about SGG’s “high heating bills” -- knowing full well that some accommodating sucker would step forward and cough up the money.  (If nothing else, this is a testimonial to his manipulative power over them: if he can get them to agree to do that, there’s no limit to what he can get them to do!)

Many of SGG’s culties, either because they themselves did not get victimized, or because they don’t believe those who were victimized, stayed on at SGG after 2009 – undoubtedly for the dynamic duo’s elaborate liturgical pageantry.  Perhaps they thought, since most of the actual “victimizing” was done by the school principal, that the clergy were not really “responsible” – that simply ignoring wrongdoing is not a crime (or is, at worst, a “victimless” one).  But there is no such thing as a “victimless crime.”  Firstly, for the pastor of a parish to label watching porn as “boys will be boys” is a victimizing act in itself.  Secondly, the SGG clergy not only condoned, but actually presided over much of the abusive physical acts that went on at the school.  And regardless of how many they victimized that way, they certainly harmed them spiritually – by the wretchedly amoral example they set.

In fact, it is this spiritual victimizing that is worst – and which will weigh most heavily upon them – for they carry the guilt burden of all those whom they have disillusioned: the responsibility for anyone losing his or her soul, because of their bad example, is on their heads.  And these “disillusioned” include not just those who fell away back in 2009, but those yet to fall.  Many of them were small children back then, and they didn’t realize what was going on.  But they will eventually find out: they’ll start “putting two and two together” – especially if the dynamic duo continue to exhibit their devious behavior – and they’ll realize that what they’ve embraced all these years was a sham.  Their disappointment will be all the greater.  It won’t be just disappointment; it will be disenchantment.

And one can be sure that this will happen, and that the dynamic duo will continue to exhibit their devious behavior – because it has never really stopped.  Since 2009, their litany of mischief** has continued unabated – a fairly sure sign that these tigers will never change their stripes.  We rejoice for all those who have managed to escape them “with their souls intact,” and we pray that those still under the SGG spell will escape as well.  For the latter, though, this will undoubtedly involve disillusionment at first.  But this is a necessary first step in the learning process – the realization, the “wake-up call.” – that, we trust, will lead not to despair but to their spiritual recovery.

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* Ironically, though, whenever someone (supposedly) “wrongs” their cult-masters, they don’t forget, nor do they “forgive” – especially anyone whom their cult-masters have marked with disapproval.  A man who dares to question Cekada’s disastrous opinion on Schiavo is labeled “a pompous doctor who presumes to pronounce on matters of faith and morals,” and a woman who kindly asks Cekada to clarify his position on Schiavo is told basically to “shut up and obey” what he says on the subject. And a teacher who complains to SGG’s pastor about one of the school principal’s sons physically and verbally threatening him (including using the “F” word) is labeled a “troublemaker” -- and fired.  When it comes to “forgiving and forgetting,” the culties seem to have “selective amnesia.”

** The chicanery of the SGG clergy did not stop in 2009.  On the contrary, it kept rolling along in high gear -- but in a different direction.  They (and especially the “prodigal principal”) could no longer afford to brutalize the parishioners, so new “enemies” (i.e., victims) had to be found.  Those who had left SGG in 2009 were the first and obvious targets: the assistant priest who left was accused by Dolan (in his “apology” sermon) of “plotting” against him; and a teacher who tried to alert Dolan to the abuses at the school was fired by him the same day.

Although the title of Dolan’s sermon (“An Apology”) intimates that he was at fault, he actually tried to shift blame to the assistant priest, and to portray himself as the victim.  Dolan did much the same with the teacher: when the latter, in an e-mail to Dolan, reported an incident where he had been verbally and physically threatened by one of the principal’s sons, he was fired by Dolan that same day for “betrayal” (see Dolan’s response).  (The teacher, too, had alerted Dolan about the abuses at the school; this was no doubt Dolan’s real reason for firing him -- and the boy’s reason for threatening him. After he was fired, by the way, the teacher discovered all four tires on his car flattened.  One can pretty well guess how this “came about.”)  In addition to the assistant priest and the teacher, others who had left SGG were also vilified – especially the more “vocal” ones.

The vilification against that teacher, by the way, didn’t stop with his dismissal.  He (the teacher) happened to be a foreign national (and, coincidentally, an ordained deacon) -- and Cekada was supposed to be taking care of his “immigration” (seeing that his “papers were in order,” etc.).  Cekada not only failed to do that, but actually turned him in to Homeland Security shortly after his departure from SGG.  Later, when that teacher decided to become a priest, Tony helped spread rumors about his ordination being invalid (as Dannie did, in late 2014, with another young priest’s ordination in Lawrence, Massachusetts).  And then later on, when the priest was invited by a group in France to say Mass for them, Dolan – who saw this as an “encroachment on his turf” -- informed the group that he (the priest) was a “troublemaker.”  (Actually, Dolan did the same to another priest as well – a young French priest whom he also perceived as a “threat.”  He wrote a letter to the people of Chambéry, thoroughly slandering the young priest (and the priest’s parents as well!).


Even deceased priests were not exempt from their deprecation.  In his Quidlibet, Cekada roundly disparaged the recently deceased Abbot Leonard Giardinia (see article).  Actually, the Litany of Mischief could go on and on; but, lest this footnote become full-fledged article unto itself, we must stop here.  Suffice it to say that the sampling given here is more than sufficient to prove our point.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

A New “Link” for Lay Pulpit

The scandalous events that took place at SGG (St. Gertrude the Great Church) back in 2009 were the culmination of troubles that had been brewing for some years prior to that.  The first notable sign of that “trouble” was Anthony Cekada’s disastrous justification of the murder of Terri Schiavo, back in 2005, which caused a sizable number of parishioners to leave SGG shortly thereafter.  But the thing that caused the biggest exodus (about half of SGG’s parishioners, including its biggest benefactor) was the surfacing in 2009 of the scandalous events that took place at its school then and before.

This was probably the main catalyst for the creation this blog (Lay Pulpit) as well as the Pistrina Liturgica blog (although there were other factors as well).  Since then, not only have the events of 2009 been documented and reported, but other ongoing misdeeds (and blunders) of the pastor and his assistant have been uncovered as well.  These include, in addition to Schiavo, Cekada’s pitifully amateurish attempt at “authorship” (Work of Human Hands), and his totally discredited attempt at validating his pastor’s (Daniel Dolan’s) one-handed “ordination.”  As a result, much of the “dynamic duo’s” duplicitous behavior has been exposed – and their one-time “reputation” has (thankfully) been reduced to “junk status.”

Naturally, all this has spawned backlash from those die-hards who still support Dolan and Cekada, and who refuse to accept documented proof (much of which comes from Dolan’s and Cekada’s own lips).  They claim that those who have written articles providing this documentation “have an axe to grind,” and they have responded to them with all manner of caustic “comments” (especially to articles written in Pistrina). [Most have commented “anonymously” -- and in some cases, the anonymous “commenter” has been none other than Cekada himself.  It seems that Tony just can’t keep away from the fray!]*  

And in just about every case, the “commenters” do not challenge what is written -- because they know they can’t -- but instead do what those with no defense of their own have always done: they divert.  They ignore the subject at hand, and instead fabricate some new issue (that is invariably irrelevant and “tangential”).  Sometimes they set up a “straw man”; and sometimes they simply employ the “ignore the message, shoot the messenger” tactic.  But in either case, it’s “diversionary.”

Another “weapon” in their bean-shooter arsenal is that of playing the “numbers” game: “You are the only two websites saying what you do.  No one else is!”  But the fact is, yes they are.  First of all, among the half of the parish that left SGG in 2009, over a dozen of them – including some of SGG’s own faculty – did take the trouble to speak out: they opened a website (sgginfo.com) to air (and document) their numerous grievances against the SGG clergy and school principal.  It wasn’t a “revolt” by a “small clique of malcontents,” but a grass-roots effort by the scores of SGG parishioners who were cruelly victimized.  And in addition to them, several parishioners from SGG’s satellite parishes were also victimized, and joined the effort.  In all, over sixty pieces of correspondence were generated.  (It must be remembered, too, that there was a lot of correspondence generated back in the “Schiavo” days.  If this were included, the total would be well over a hundred.)**

Unfortunately, because of “political pressure” from an outside cleric, the website was pulled down.  However, it is now back, but under a new title: sggscandal.com; and we have added it as a link on our “Home” page (see “Links you’ll love”).   In addition to this website, there are others, such as one created by parishioners of St. Hugh of Lincoln (an SGG satellite in Milwaukee, Wisconsin), that also detailed the heavy-handed (and typical) mistreatment received at the hands of SGG’s clergy (see link).  Additionally, there is an abundance of correspondence about Schiavo, which showcases Anthony Cekada’s trademark arrogance (and ignorance) in an unmistakably clear way.  We hope eventually to incorporate much of it (and the SHL link) into the new website.  Thus, it will serve as a valuable archival resource for those seeking more documentation on Schiavo -- and as a “memory jogger” for those still in denial both about both it and the events that took place at SGG’s school.

Speaking of the latter, there is one series of articles on the new website that we’d like to highlight this week.  They deal with School Dazed -- an article published on Anthony Cekada’s Quidlibet newsletter -- which was his attempt at “explaining away” the scandalous events that went on at the school in 2009.  In response, a series of articles entitled School Dazed Revisited was compiled by the sgginfo website’s editorial staff, in six parts, which are now recreated in the new website (see links 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6).  Each part is written in “side-by-side” format, with Cekada’s original School Dazed remarks written in the left column, and the rebuttals to them in the right column.  Those six articles provide perhaps the best insight on what happened at the school (and on how Cekada’s mind works).  And, together with three other articles contributed by three individual parishioners (click here, here and here), not only do they completely dismantle Cekada’s pathetic whitewash job; but they show how Cekada, by his own words, exposes himself for the liar that he is.

What the newly resurrected website proves, among other things, is that those who oppose the dynamic duo are not an “anomaly” or a “small clique of disgruntled crackpots,” but a sizable (and growing) number of people.  By the sheer number of those who have contributed to this website, Dannie and Tony (and their hacks) cannot “write them off” as “insignificant.”  More importantly, they cannot, no matter how much they try to belittle or discredit these folks, ignore fact.  Much of the evidence presented by them is irrefutable (some even coming from Dannie’s or Tony’s own lips); and even the “anecdotal” evidence (not strictly “provable”) can be corroborated by dozens of witnesses (including some who are still at SGG).***  In short, too much evidence exists for all of it to be “swept under the rug.”

In future, we hope to highlight even more articles – especially those dealing with Schiavo (when they can be incorporated into the website).  In these articles, again, Cekada’s arrogance and ignorance come through unmistakably.  In fact, he does such a great job of hanging himself with his own words, that little further commentary is necessary – even perhaps for those “lowest common denominator” die-hards who still fall on their swords for him.  But, regardless of what he and they say or do, rational people should have no trouble  in seeing the evidence,  in comprehending the facts, and in drawing the right conclusions.
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* It is common (and accepted) practice for someone to comment “anonymously” on a blog; but for Cekada himself to come on as an “anonymous” commenter – to pose as someone else, on an article written about him -- is deceptive, for it gives the impression of his having an independent “outside” supporter, when none really exists.  Secondly, it shows a true lack of professionalism: a true professional defends himself on his own forum (and Tony has one -- Quidlibet), and doesn’t stoop to playing “heckler” on someone else’s.  But, as we said, Tony – the classless Blunderer -- just can’t “keep away from the fray.”  And when he does “jump in,” he invariably gets annihilated – especially on Pistrina, where he is woefully inept at matching wits with them.  (The idiot doesn’t seem to realize that, when he does try to “spar” with them, he only succeeds in giving them the opportunity to reinforce their point – at his expense.)

But how do we know it is he who was the “commenter”?  It’s fairly easy: some of the comments contain information (or phraseology) peculiar to him only, and to no one else.  And why does he himself comment?  That’s easy, too: many of those who offered their “commenting” support for him and/or Dannie were actually an embarrassment for them – they turned out to be some of SGG’s semi-literate bottom-feeders.  Their comments were actually so damaging that, for a time, Dannie put out a “gag order” to silence them – so Tony had to come in and “fill the vacuum.”  Lately, however, a few have popped up here and there to have their say – but only the chosen few articulate enough to get Dannie’s and Tony’s “imprimatur” to do so.


** It must be remembered that, for every grievance put in writing, there are usually hundreds (and, in many cases, thousands) that aren’t.  Most people -- especially “traddies” -- are reticent, and not prone to “speaking out.”  The written response at SGG (and its satellite parishes) was overwhelming, both in numbers and in intensity.  And, as it was, of those who were victimized, most were reticent, and responded not publicly, but simply by leaving.  Perhaps if they hadn’t been reticent but more “vocal,” most of SGG’s parishioners – not just half of them – would have left.  Dannie and Tony should “thank their lucky stars” that the response was as muted as it was, or they would be left sitting there by themselves, with only Puccini, Vivaldi, and Caravaggio for company.



*** One bit of evidence that is both irrefutable and well witnessed is the “bell-ringing incident” at SGG on Palm Sunday of 2009.  The church bell, being rung by an usher during a procession that day, got “stuck” (the usher, by the way, left SGG that day, but for unrelated reasons).  Both Dolan and Cekada gave accounts of what happened with the bell – both of which contradicted each other.  Dolan gave an accurate account – at least about the bell; but Cekada did not, lying both about what happened, and why.  The fact that the incident was witnessed by most of those present that day adds even more “fuel” to Cekada’s lies. (As it turns out, Dolan also lied – not about the bell, but about the usher’s reasons for subsequently leaving SGG.)  (For a more detailed account of what happened (and more), click here.)

Saturday, January 17, 2015

There’s No “Biz” Like “Show Biz”

The SGG pastor, in his recent Bishop’s Corner installments, has been going all out to give his readers every disgusting detail possible about life at SGG – and we do mean disgusting.  First, there were his almost weekly reports about his pet cats’ latest bunny butchering – even including details about how one of them got sick on its putrefied remains and gagged it up.  Thank you, Dannie, for such vivid imagery; that’s really “top-drawer” stuff – and it makes for such pleasant dinner-time chitchat!  All we can say is “Yummy!”  So elegant!  So refined!  So uplifting! (Or is it upchucking?)  So, what luscious landscape could this “poetic prince of the honeyed phrase” paint for us next?  What sort of scrumptious vignette could he be conjuring up after that?  Well, actually, Dannie has already come up with two: first, a report about some raccoons colonizing the church premises (somewhere inside its walls); and second, a mouse -- camped out somewhere in a rectory refrigerator – rummaging through leftovers. Wow!  What pertinent stuff! And, again, “Yummy!”

What sort of idiot, we must ask, would knowingly and eagerly “share” such gruesome, boorish trash in his church bulletin -- and, via its website, beam it to a potentially global internet audience?  (If you guessed either Josef Mengele or The Marquis de Sade, you were “close, but no cigar.”)  And, for that matter, what sort of numbskull would name his three feral felines Puccini, Vivaldi, and Caravaggio?  (He probably figured that the culties would think it “cute” for him to name them so (“cute”? how about “gauche” or “pretentious”?). At any rate, it seems that Dannie has an insatiable (and not altogether wholesome) preoccupation with critters -- and their grisly foraging habits.

Nevertheless, one cannot deny that Dannie has a certain “way” – a certain “something” -- with animals: raccoons, cats, mice, grotto-pond carp – whatever!  (And don’t forget “Senex,” SGG’s one-time resident groundhog!)  One could think of him as the Cult Center’s “Doctor Doolittle.”  When he’s not waxing poetic about the weather (or his carnivorous raids south-of-the-border), he’s mooning over critters.  We think that this deserves some recognition.  In fact, we think Dannie could turn this critter fetish into a fund-raising opportunity.  SGG could, for instance, stage a production based on the original Doctor Doolittle movie (starring the late Rex Harrison – and, in a later remake, Eddie Murphy) – with Dannie and his critters in the starring roles. 

Dannie would be perfect for the part!  After all, with his mousy grin, he does have a certain rodent-like charm; and he does like to swoon on [nauseatingly so] about birds and other flora and fauna in his weekly Bishop’s Corner.  And one can just picture him, processing along the cloister walkway, with a daisy-chain of Waldtieren in tow (along with his groveling culties, happily singing Rex Harrison’s If I could Talk to the Animals -- in pontifical polyphony, of course).  In the movie, the animal-loving Doctor was asked if he “could talk Hippopotamus,” to which he replied, “Why Nottamus!”  Re-applying that (and other quips from the movie) to Dannie, one might continue, “Can you speak “Rhinoceros”?  Why, “of course-eros”!  Can you speak “Duck”?  (Well, we won’t touch that one!)

But “Doctor Doolittle” doesn’t quite “go far enough.”  It doesn’t quite capture the “real” Dannie.  Given his trademark rodent-like snicker, we thought that Doctor Door-mouse would be more à propos.  (After all, “Door-mouse” was Dannie’s moniker back in his seminary days.)  And back then, too, he could speak “Duck” (or a “rhymingly reasonable facsimile”).  In the production of this “Menagerie Masterpiece,” SGG’s budding Thespians could be “extras” in the show (unlike their usual role as  behind-the-scenes cult slaves for Dannie's "show").  [Of course, they’d get their usual ”wages”: nothing.]  The choir could double as Dannie’s “backup” singers [and we sincerely hope that they “drown him out,” because his voice is flatter than Russia’s steppes], and Tony could provide “instrumental” accompaniment on the organ.  All in all, it could be a very “cost effective” production – and who better than Dannie to put on a “show”?

As for animals, there are (of course) the cats (who should, however, be muzzled for the show, because clinging carrion makes for bad breath).  And the Palm Sunday donkey* could, no doubt, be borrowed for the occasion.  As for the Refrigerator Mouse® and the raccoons, we’re open to suggestions.  [Actually, raccoons are scavengers.  So, if Dannie could tie some “bunny leftovers” to the back of his robe, they’d probably follow him.  And the mouse?  He might take a liking to Dannie’s “cheesy” grin, and follow along too – if he’s still around, that is.**  As for other animals, there are plenty of deer (and a coyote or two) in the area.  And some of SGG’s “children of the corn” farm folk could volunteer their barnyard critters (including, perhaps, a goat, strategically placed behind Dannie).  All in all, it’s a “win-win” for everyone.

And how much to charge for admission?  Culties who are part of the “cast,” of course, would be admitted “free” (as would any kid of theirs who sold fifty or more tickets to “outsiders”).  And then there’s SGG’s “Cyber Outreach” program: the Web.  And as an added “incentive,” they could advertise that every “patron’s donation” (of $500 or more) would merit a free copy of Work of Human Hands.  (On second thought, scratch that idea; that might shut down the production!)  At any rate, let us hope that – once this “show” has had its run – Dannie will have gotten this “critter fetish” out of his system.

Okay – we know -- enough poking fun at Dannie and his “critter fetish” (and our whimsical idea of him staging a reprised production of Doctor Doolittle).  It was, of course, all done in jest.  But Dannie is NOT in jest.  NOTHING that he ever says or does is in jest.  His “waxing poetic” about his cats, his “cute” nicknames for them, his newsy little anecdotes about “refrigerator mice,” and the numberless “sweet nothings” that appear in his Bishop’s Corner every week: they’re all calculated, pre-meditated, and contrived -- all designed for maximum effect.  They are the veneer of innocence -- the “sheep’s clothing” -- that the West Chester Wolf dons to fool his sheep.  They are the “happy face” that he puts on for all who are fool enough to fall for it.  They’re all part of the make-up, the cosmetics -- the schtick -- that Dannie uses to put on what we’ve always referred to as “the show” – the caricature of Catholicism that this humbug impresario has been putting on ever since he’s been there.

Dannie’s demeanor back in his “door-mouse days” at Écône may not have been all that “exemplary,” but it was at least real (that is, compared to now).  And we wonder, since Dannie’s been “faking it” for so long, if he might be having trouble keeping reality and “persona” separated these days.  After all, that often happens when one lives “in character” for so long.  But not to worry: Dannie would never have a “relapse” or pull a “Freudian slip” in front of his culties (and even if he did, we wonder if they’d “catch on” anyway).  But the majority of people outside the cult circle have caught on to Dannie.  The SGG Clown Act no longer holds its trance over Traddieland – or anywhere else, for that matter.

But again, not to worry: retirement is nigh for both Dannie and Tony; and they probably have enough salted away to get them, if not to Santa Fe, to somewhere more cost-effective (yet adequate) -- perhaps south of the border, where Dannie can hold court with the campesinos who still revere him.  There, too, he might eventually write his memoirs.  (And if he wants them printed into another language, he can always count on Tony to mistranslate them for him.)  But don’t get too many copies printed up, Dannie; you know how long it took to work off the WHH inventory.  If you get stuck with too big of a publishing bill, that just might “set you off” -- which might bring out the “door-mouse” in you again!!
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* Dannie always has a live donkey for his Palm Sunday processions.

** At last report, the hole in the rectory refrigerator was plugged, thereby cutting off access to the goodies inside.  So, if Dannie is taking his impending trip down to Mexicali, we might have this ironic dichotomy, where he is down there, pigging out at a Rodizio, while Topo Gigio, back at the Cult Center, is “plugged” out, waiting in vain outside his “Rodentzio” (aka, the rectory fridge) for a meal that will never come.  Of course, Dannie’s reason for mentioning this little episode was probably the same as it always is: in giving the culties some newsy little anecdote like that, it makes himself appear “cute” (or at least innocuous) to them.

But Dannie usually has a deeper reason for saying something, other than just “looking cute.”  And to find that reason, first ask yourself this:  How does a refrigerator get a “hole” in it?  It’s a bit of a stretch to think that the mouse was able to gnaw his way through several layers of steel and plastic to produce that hole.  Even refrigerators that are old and rickety don’t get holes in them – at least, not from rodents.  If a mouse was able to gnaw its way through that refrigerator wall, then almost every refrigerator in every inner-city slum would have a hole in it.  Then, ask yourself this: Why would a rectory that is less than twenty years old – a rectory inhabited by priests, not a slum inhabited by welfare recipients – be infested with mice to the point where one is able to help himself to refrigerator leftovers?  It all sounds a little hokey to us, Dannie.


The real reason for Dannie mentioning that little episode was probably more “Freudian”: he was trying to give the impression that the fridge was in such bad shape that it needed to be replaced.  And, as Pistrina has already noted, was this a subtle hint for a new refrigerator?  And if so, who’d be expected to ante up the money for it – as an “extra sacrifice,” over and above ordinary parish expenses?  We think we could hazard a guess.