An associate once commented, Daniel Dolan’s words are “the gift that keeps on giving” -- “the eternal enema” (except that in Dannie’s case, it’s self-administered). As we’ve commented so many times before, every time Dannie (or Tony) opens his mouth, his foot seems to go in even farther down the hatch. This time, it went in so far that he was probably able to get his toe-nails clipped – by a proctologist.
Last week’s Lay Pulpit article hazarded some guesses as to how Dannie got down and back on his just-completed Mexican romp -- and why he went. In the March 23 installment of the SGG Bulletin’s Bishop’s Corner, Dannie obligingly confirmed all of our “guesses” (i.e., suspicions) about how extravagantly things went. But why take our word for it? Just look at a sampling of what Dannie himself had to say, and then be your own judge. For your convenience, Dannie’s words are in italics, followed by our comments (in standard type face). Let’s start with Dannie’s opening line:
“It was strange to be away for a Lenten Friday. I hope somebody made some soup.”
“Strange”? “Convenient” is more like it. And, oh yes, how nice of you to ask if anyone back at Cult Control Central made some soup! Did you have soup down there in Mexico, Dannie? Well, we’ll find out a little later on, won’t we!
“My early morning flight from Dayton was four hours late, however, and I only made it as far as Mexico City late that night. Whatever would we do without cell phones and Minis for rescheduling and staying in touch? La Paz is far away, but with all of our electronic gadgets the world seems almost manageable.”
Tsk! Tsk! Life for a jet-setting ersatz bishop can be so tedious nowadays! But thankfully, you had your “electronic gadgets” to help you out. But did you check with Tony on the “propriety” of that? These gadgets, after all, might comprise an “extraordinary means of communication.” Did Pope Pius XII approve of such gadgets? Perhaps they’re demonic! [It’s a pity you couldn’t ask Terri -- but she’s inaccessible these days. And, besides, what does she know? Tony’s the real authority – on everything!]
“We were going to have a nice tour of the bay [near La Paz] in somebody’s boat, but the high waves waved us off. Still the weather was beautiful. Did you have more snow?”
Bummer! Just when you were going to take a boat ride! [Isn’t it reassuring, though, culties, to know that you have such a self-sacrificing bishop?] But, you’re right: the weather was beautiful, and it was so nice of you to let the sheep back at Cult Control Central know so – and to ask them if it was snowing back in Ohio! You’re just a well-spring of thoughtfulness! Perhaps while you were “offering it up” in sunny La Paz, the culties were enjoying some ice-fishing in the grotto pond (to supplement their Friday night feasts).
“That evening I gave a well-attended conference on how to live as Catholics in today’s world. [And then, of course, there’s this gem]: The Mexican Fathers were talking about the role of the public schools, as well as music and TV, in robbing the children of their innocence. I’m glad we can do something to counter this, as well as bringing the very innocent little ones to Jesus for First Communion.”
Gee, Dannie, did you tell them how you and Tony live in SGG’s world – and how the two of you and your school principal “protected the innocence” of the school kids there? Did you explain to them how, at SGG, watching porn and animal torture flicks qualifies as “boys will be boys”? Did you tell them that it is a mortal sin to wear an “inappropriate” headband there, but it’s okay to fornicate with (and impregnate) a fellow student [as long as you’re one of the principal’s sons]? Did you tell them that one must “keep a dignified silence” [unless, of course, one is a bishop – in which case, one has carte blanche to publicly disparage and vilify people – including fellow priests -- at will?
“I offered the Mass of Ireland’s patron in [Vera Cruz] Mexico,” [and] “After a fine Mexican breakfast …, we headed to the airport for a flight to Mexico City. There we were met by a Chilean priest, our old friend Fr. Mardones, and by Fr. Martin Gomez of Acapulco, now Dos Rios.
Hmmm, I wonder who picked up the tab for Fr. Mardones and Fr. Gomez? We know that Fr. Mardones is situated in El Paso, and is poor; and, unless he “thumbed his way” from El Paso to Mexico City, it must have cost more than a few pesos to get him there (not to mention, his expenses after he got there). I wonder who picked up his tab (and Fr. Gomez’s too)?
“We had dinner at an excellent Argentinean restaurant, consuming copious quantities of meat, as is the custom in these southern countries, even in Lent! We’re one of the few countries that do keep Lent and I’m happy to get back to it.”
Boy oh boy, Dannie! How “international” of you to observe the “Latino Lent” down there, where Gringo rules don’t apply! As they say, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do,” right? [Or, following that line of logic, “when in Sodom…”] While the culties were slurping their soup back home, how did you ever manage handling your “copious quantities of meat”? Was it, as Nero would say, a “BYOF” affair (Bring Your Own Feather)? Folks, was Dannie’s a Christ-like example or what?! [Yep, you’re right: it was an “or what”!] It’s so gratifying to see that Dannie puts aside his Gringo fasting scruples to accommodate local custom – again, how “international” of him!!
And, then again: “... I ate a little of the “marrano,” the roast pork, afterwards even though I really should not have.” “…More meat finished the day (and almost finished me off ) back in Mexico City, as we left behind us the volcano of Pico de Orizaba.
You’re right, Dannie, you really shouldn’t have: “a little of the ‘marrano,’ the roast pork” and “More meat finished the day.” Did you bring along some Tums for the heartburn? And I do hope they had someone down there who could perform the Heimlich maneuver, in case you choked on all that meat! And, oh yes, did you remember to bring along some Beano® too, “just in case”? Dannie, you’re such a paragon of self-denial! How did you ever manage it??!
Well, folks, I think you get the picture: another one of Dannie’s “self-sacrificing apostolates” to warm, sunny Latino-land, where he “offered it up” and selflessly bore the hardship of gorging himself on beef and pork, and doing the fiesta circuit – in the dead of Lent (sorry you missed your boat ride though, Dannie!) – while the sheep were freezing their traseros off, and rationing right along on their fish sticks and gruel. Wow, what a model of a self-denying shepherd! That’s what I call… REALLY NAUSEATING! If Winston Churchill were alive today, he might sum up Dannie’s Mexican trip thusly: “Never before has someone spent so much, to do so little, for so few.”
Of course, Dannie’s Bishop’s Corner had its standard mix of syrupy, superficial sanctimony, meaningless platitudes, sugary (and insincere) sentimentality, and affectation [just the kind of stuff that appeals to the hopelessly gullible!] -- and (of course) his usual helping of “name-dropping”: he made (totally irrelevant) mention of “using a chalice from Fr. Schoonbroodt” (who, by the way, couldn’t stand him); and he got in a plug for “Dr. Jesus” -- telling a local woman (whose son cannot speak) to take the boy to “the Little Doctor” for help. I wonder what she’ll do when she finds out how much good Dannie’s advice did her? Dannie mentioned a procession that they were having in Vera Cruz (while he was there), in which some of the niños “dressed as Moors with machetes” were marching. Perhaps the next time Dannie comes down, this woman can give those niños some creative tips on what to do with their machetes.
But what really came through in this edition of Bishop’s Corner (and, in fact, in MOST of its editions) is Dannie’s trademark HYPOCRISY: naked, transparent -- embarrassingly obvious. It makes one wonder if Dannie ever proofreads what he writes, for his hypocrisy is glaringly conspicuous to all but the comatose. His “matter-of-fact” comments about how delightful the weather was in Mexico (while he, in the same breath, ascertained if it was snowing back in Ohio), or his wondering if someone back in Ohio was making some soup, while he was there in Mexico, observing his Lent by “consuming copious quantities of meat”: for sheer callous insensitivity, wanton disregard, and utter contempt for other peoples’ feelings, his comments are hard to beat. [Actually, Tony Cekada is Dannie’s equal on all of this; but, whereas Tony’s strongest suits are ignorance and arrogance, Dannie, we believe, holds the edge on hypocrisy.]
In his Bishop’s Corner column, Dannie lamented the fact that -- on one of the days when he was celebrating Mass in La Paz -- “a mighty and unwonted wind blew in from somewhere as Mass started. Some saw it as demonic.” [This was the same wind that whipped up the waves, causing cancellation of his plans of going on a boat ride that day.] You’re right, Dannie: it WAS demonic -- and symbolic – just as was Fr. Siordia’s dream of some years back (about SGG’s parishioners -- sad, hunched over, with heads down and oxen-like yokes around their necks – trudging in a circle around SGG’s parking lot, and seeing a vile black substance bubbling up from the pavement in the parking lot’s center). Dannie, methinks that both that “mighty wind” and Fr. Siordia’s dream were trying to tell you something – and methinks also that it’s high time that you start listening.